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Pickup Lines from Online Daters (Alternate title: WTF?!?!)

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Here is an email from my single girlfriend that had me in stitches. I had to share. The subject line was (appropriately) marked, “Dating is Awful.” What is wrong with people? I have no words. Poor us for having to scrape the bottom of the single pool. But at least we can laugh about it (after a few glasses of wine…)

Hi ladies,

So here are just a sample of some of the recent messages I have received from online dating.  They are copy and pasted and I did not alter them.  I am losing hope ladies.  Le sigh……
Hi! You have a very curious interest in primates. lol Anthropologist?
-Umm what?  No I don’t have any pictures of monkeys on my profile.  So, um what?
Hi. I like your level of activity. You seem pretty interesting. How’s your day doing?
-My level of activity?  Do I know you sir?  Are you watching me through my window and seeing me watch netflix marathons on the couch?  Huh?
You are tantalizing! I’m Vince btw hope we can chat I know I have only see your pics but I love the energy you put out from them :) and I know I have no info up lol there is a reason for that    
-Vince I love how you ignore all punctuation.  Nobody has time for pauses.  No info on your page and there is a reason?  Is that reason that you are married?  Weirdo.
have a wonderful day (: please reply if your interested have fun gl!
-Dude, for the 100th time your and you’re are different, ugg.  Also what is gl and have fun doing what?  Looking at other profiles? Oh I will.
You look so familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?
-No you don’t but good try at getting me to respond to you.  Too bad his profile was lame.
Who do you think pretends more on this site, men or women?
-Clearly you do if you have to ask.
Hi. How are you? Cute u are!!
-Umm, Yoda is that you?
Hey-I saw your profile and really got a kick.
-Huh?  A kick?  Are you a pregnant man?  Who is kicking you?
Hey there! Are those b( . )( . )bs as big as I think they are? You look absolutely stunning!
He must be a true gentleman.
Hello beautiful how are you doing are you into black man you’re very beautiful
Another guy who hates punctuation.
You’re so cute that cat look at pics of you on the internet!!!
-What is this about a cat?
my goodness you are gorgeous, i would just eat you up
-So you are saying you are a cannibal and you hate capital letters?
They say a picture is worth a thousand words but yours left me speechless.
-I just gagged and threw up in my mouth.
Do you know what a footjob is? 
-Nope
if this makes you smile it will be the best thing I would accomplish today… hear this out I’m in a Chinese restaurant and this duck comes up with a red rose and says: “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds.” I said: “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck
-You need to come up with better material Jay Leno.
Hello.my name is Tyler.how are you doing?
-Tyler must hate the space bar.  Really, who doesn’t?
you are better than most :)
-Uhh thanks.  Is that a compliment?  But I am not the best?
Hi there! Sorry to send this message to you out of the blue but I noticed your profile and thought it was interesting…I am going to be in SD for a conference and wanted to find an interesting, intelligent woman to hang out in the evenings. No expectations for what will or will not happen…just some honest fun and stimulating company. I am not sure if you’d be up for that but figured it couldn’t hurt to ask. I look forward to hearing back. – JS  
-So I guess your wife couldn’t make this trip this time?
i read your profile and i’m impressed i can’t spell but i’m good with my hands i can fix almost anything ….don’t get scared by my pic i didn’t have my makeup on…….
 
-I have no words.  Good luck being forever single buddy.
You look nice when u dress up
-Thanks for that backhanded compliment.  My grandma agrees with you sir but she likes using punctuation at the end of her sentences.
Hey what’s ul
-Not much dude.  What is ul with you?
Your gorgeous and I’m definitely interested and would love to get to no you better so if I sparked some interest get at me
 
-Oh I will get at you about your sad grammar skills.
happy Friday Carolyn :)
-Who is Carolyn?
 **Note from Tracy: Not my friend’s name….
hi hey, i saw your thing and you appear to be a real cool chick, so let me know if you’re interested if you like jim
-You saw my thing?  Oh good I am glad.
Cat Cat I Cat thought Cat this Cat is Cat an Cat easy Cat way Cat to Cat say Cat Hi Cat to Cat you Cat……..lol….. John here
Now read the above sentence without the word cat
-Aren’t you clever, she says sarcastically.
You pretty
-Oh good, my first message from a caveman.
Yard crazy sexy like, dammmmmmnnn!!! Hahaha I wish I could mee you…amazingly gorgeous!!! I could barely breathe I think you took my breath away 😉 if you don’t message me how will you know if I’m alive??!! I still can’t breathe :(  
-Sorry sir, what?  You have a crazy sexy yard and you want to mee?
Did you date my sister in college? 
-Nope
And finally the best message ever:
 
Stop, boner time! 
WTF - What the Fuck. Internet Concept. Button on Modern Computer Keyboard.

WTF – What the Fuck.

 

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3 Responses to Pickup Lines from Online Daters (Alternate title: WTF?!?!)

  1. Frank says:

    Yo girl! Those be some of best Cat b(.)(.)bs I’ve evah sees! No wondah yous is a wicked smahrt Cat! Loves ya!! lol

  2. Ali A says:

    32 & single and have ZERO patience for online dating… your post here just solidifies why. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?! Why do they think this is an acceptable way to reach out to a woman? Just be normal and say hi…MY GOD.

    • Tracy says:

      I agree!!! I can see one or two strange ones but finding ONE normal one is looking for a needle in a haystack hahaha

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