Friends Don’t Let Friends Drink and Go to a Wedding Unshowered

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More Than Cheese and Beer is a blogger and the brain child beind “Confession Sundays” where she announces a topic and invites other bloggers to participate. This week’s topic is “Things I do in the Shower” and here is my post where I break my Confessions Sunday cherry- enjoy!


I do some of my best thinking in the shower. Sometimes I’ll be in there shampooing away and – bam!- a writing topic pops into my head or an idea for work or I’ll remember something I wanted to put on my to-do list.  The shower is 20 minutes of uninterrupted, no- phone alone time and it has served me well for starting my day off and organizing my thoughts.

However, one time, taking a shower was so much more than that.

You see, my friend Frank and I met when we worked together on the east coast ten years ago before I moved to San Diego.  It feels like yesterday his children were only 5 and 8 yeas old walking around the office and finding fun things to play with in my cubicle.  Whenever I ask Frank how his kids are doing, I still gasp when he reminds me that his daughter is now in COLLEGE and his son is in high school. How is this possible?! I feel like I am still the 21 year old working my first office job as I finished college.

I was the youngest one in the office and we had a really fun and casual environment.   Plus since I was the baby of the group, (and super gullible) they had a lot of fun at my expense.

I present Exhibit A: Everyone knew I was planning on moving to California after I was done with school.  Frank used to travel there a lot for sales calls.  After one of his trips, he called me over to his office excitedly.  “Tracy! Guess what!!? I was up in LA in Chatsworth.  You know, that’s the porn capital of the world.  Well, anyway, I ran into Ron Jeremy and- “

“Wait a minute, Ron Jeremy, you mean the disgusting porn star? The ACTUAL Ron Jeremy that Sublime sings about?”

“Yeah, yeah THE Ron Jeremy. So anyway, I was talking to him and I told him that you wanted to move out there and you would need a job.  And he asked if you would want to be a fluffer and I told him you were willing to do anything to get out there! So he’s expecting you to start right after school!!”

“Oh Frank!!” I said, hugging him. “That’s GREAT!! Thank you so much!! But ummm—errr. …” In a hushed voice I asked, “What’s a fluffer??”

I was thinking it was probably somebody who fluffs the pillows in between sets and I really wasn’t too sure about being around porn but you know, a job’s a job and if it paid enough, I could fluff pillows.

“A fluffer is the girl who keeps things umm, how do I say, erect with the guy between scenes,” Frank replied deadpan.

“WHAT?! What the hell is wrong with you? You ACTUALLY think I would want to do that? Seriously, that’s DISGUSTING!! You’re SUCH A PIG!!” My hug turned into a punch on the arm and I ran into another guy’s office, in tears.

“John, WHY!?! Why would Frank promise this Ron Jeremy that I would be a FLUFFER?!” I wailed.

(Also not really sure why at this point it hadn’t occurred to me that even if Frank had promised Ron I would be a fluffer, I didn’t actually have to do it….but for whatever reason, it hadn’t…)

“Duh he’s messing with you, Tracy.”

That fucker.

And Exhibit B: One night Frank and I were going out with our friend Tanja and her girlfriend.  This was my first (but certainly not my last) time in a gay bar.  I most definitely demonstrated multiple faux pas that night, including but not limited to begging a hot guy to be straight again “Just this once.”

Then, when I finally gave up on converting anyone, we all went back to Tanja’s house and I moped about how nobody hit on me. Tanja’s girlfriend was in the shower, and Frank and I were sitting on the futon while I complained. “I mean. I get it.  I get it that the GUYS didn’t like me. But what the hell? Not ONE girl thought I was cute? Not even one girl wanted to make out with me or flirt with me???”

“I will!” Next think I knew, Tanja had flung herself full- bodied on top of me and stuck her tongue down my throat. I was completely pinned and reaching for Frank with my free arm, tapping him furiously, begging him with my reaches to save me.  And you know what Frank did? He did NOTHING. It was like he was purposely ignoring me. There was no way he didn’t pick up on me trying to tap out of the situation.

Later, when we were talking I said, “So what was that back there?! I was reaching for a lifeline!! I was tapping you to save me!! Where were you, FRIEND?”

“HA! I know what you were doing but there is NO WAY I was going to break THAT up!! I mean I love you and all, but I’m still a GUY.”

That fucker.

As planned, I did move to California after college and luckily found myself NOT in the fluffing industry. Frank continued to come out several times a year for work and we saw each other every time, giggling like schoolgirls over people we were dating or our jobs, friends, his kids…. and we always laughed our heads off at our own dumb jokes.

Frank had become an important staple in my life and even though a lot of our old coworkers would tease us when they heard that we still hung out, insisting that we “must be shacking up,” we just brushed it off. We knew the truth: that we were good friends and that wasn’t what our relationship was about.

Case in point, a former co-worker Missy invited us to her wedding a few years ago.  Missy is a real ham and I was so excited to fly back and see the old gang and celebrate with her.

Frank and I were going as each other’s “dates.” We met up at the Mexican bar across the street from the hotel we were staying at where several other people we knew were having a drink before the wedding.  We still had a few hours to kill so we stopped in for a couple of margaritas.  And when I say a couple, I mean we all had like 100. Finally, Frank suggested that we were running out of time and that I should go to the hotel and shower and get ready since I would take longer than he would.  I was not in great shape but I made my way to the hotel and as I headed for our room, I bumped into the bride’s suite where she and the bridesmaids were getting ready.  Since I hadn’t seen Missy in over a year, I couldn’t resist stopping in and seeing the bride herself and giving hugs and having a glass of champagne.

After what I thought was 5 minutes of champagne and hugging, I wandered back to our room.   The door had barely closed behind me and Frank walked in. He took one look and me and said in horror, “TRACY!! What have you been DOING?! We have to leave like NOW!!”

Of course I did what I do best and just burst into tears when I realized what I had done- run the clock down with my socializing- and was unable to pull myself together. “I’m sorry! I’m drunk!! I stopped to see Missy and…oh MY GOD I’m going to miss the wedding!!!!! WAAAAHHHH!!!”

I’m not kidding when I tell you that Frank took me like a child into the shower. He washed my hair and held me up like I was a corpse and made sure I got ready. “It’s going to be okay. We’re going to make it to the wedding. What comes next? Face wash? Okay which bottle is that?” Anyone who ever thought that there was something sexual between us could have taken one look at that scene in the shower that day and known that this was the most platonic relationship ever to have existed.

We made it to the wedding just in the nick of time and we had a blast.  The antics at the reception are its own blog post. But I will never forget that day and how it represents Frank’s kindness and friendship to me then and always.

So sometimes, I do my best thinking in the shower. And often I exfoliate in the shower.  Occasionally, I sing in the shower.  But only one time did I need to be GIVEN a shower by my very good friend who didn’t think twice about helping me when I needed it.


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2 Responses to Friends Don’t Let Friends Drink and Go to a Wedding Unshowered

  1. AWWWW! Awesome, awesome, awesome first confession! I wish I had a friend like Frank!! Thanks for participating this week!

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