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Boss on the Rocks: Shit My Boss Says

Boss on the Rocks is a new feature where I’m going to publish YOUR hilarious boss stories.  So many people have the funniest stories about their crazy bosses and we want to hear them! If you have a funny or ridiculous story about your boss, please submit it to tracy@tracyontherocks.com.  Please indicate if you want to be kept anonymous.

And now for our first edition of Boss on the Rocks-  read on and get ready to laugh!

“Larry Stone” – submitted by Anonymous Reader

I thought you might like to know what has been going on in my super efficient office this week. First off, my boss is helping his niece to find and buy a used car so that has taken up all of his time, of course. So he has been sending emails to ads for people selling their cars. For a reason unknown to me, he started giving out a fake name to these people. The name he has chosen is Larry Stone. So we started getting calls for Larry Stone earlier this week. Of course we did not know who that was since he gave out our office number but did not tell us of the situation, so we told them they had the wrong number.

Until one of the callers then said, “Well can I speak to ‘my boss’s actual name’ then?”

Apparently while emailing out this fake Larry Stone name to people’s car ads, he used his actual email with his real name on it. He is a genius really.

_________________________________________________

“Relish the Moment” – submitted by Anonymous Reader

Today, my boss decided before calling any clients, he needed to immediately address an important issue. That issue was the expiration date of the jar of relish in our office fridge. He noted that there was not an expiration date, so he spent the next 45 minutes calling the manufacturer of the pickle relish to get an answer. After being put on hold and transferred numerous times, he finally got his answer regarding the relish. He was very pleased with himself after as though he had actually accomplished something.

FYI, the company said there is no expiration date and just to refrigerate it after opening

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“Take Your Pants Off” – submitted by Anonymous Reader

So, today at work after lunch, I said I was really full and glad I wore stretchy pants. Then my boss says, “Well take your pants off if you want to. Just keep your underwear on. We don’t mind.” My coworker quickly responded, “Yes we do.” He said this all nonchalantly like it was a real option. I am still not sure if he was serious or joking. So anyway, that is my story of when my boss told me to take off my pants at work. What a fool.

 

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Good Will Apartment Hunting

My roommate is getting married so it’s time for me to be a big girl and get my own place. So, looking for an apartment is fun, huh? In case you didn’t catch it, I was typing with my sarcastic font on. Everything I look at has most things I want. No places have everything I want, and all places are more than I want to pay. Needless to say, it’s been an exhausting past few weeks of searching.

An added element of delight is the vast array of morons who post rentals on the internet.

You might think that working with a property management company would be a smoother experience than working with an owner directly since they are professionals. If you were thinking that though, you’d be wrong.

Here is a recent email exchange I’ve had with a property management company:

From: Tracy

To: CL Poster

Subject: 4492 5th Street Listing

Sent: Monday around 9pm

Hi,

I am writing in response to your listing on CraigsList for the available unit on 35th Street. Please let me know when the property is available to view.

Thanks in advance,

Tracy

————————————————————————————————-

From: The CL poster

To: Tracy

Subject: 4492 5th Street Listing

Sent: Sometime in the middle of the night on Monday

You can see it at 1pm tomorrow.

————————————————————————————————-

From Tracy

To: CL poster

Subject: 4492 5th Street Listing

Sent: 7:30am

Good morning, thank you for your response. I’m sorry- to be clear, the unit is available to view at 4pm today, Tuesday May 19th or Wednesday May 20th at 4 pm?  I am unclear because of the time this was sent and want to make sure that we are on the same page!

Also, I work during the day, is 1 pm the only time I can view it or is there possibly a time later in the evening I can come see it or perhaps first thing in the morning?

Thanks,

Tracy

————————————————————————————————-

From: CL Numbskull

To: Tracy

Subject: 4492 5th Street Listing

Sent: 10am

I have. A few people meeting there. Hope to see you there or another time if I can’t find anyone. Thx

————————————————————————————————-

From: Tracy

To: The CL Idiot

Subject: 4492 5th Street Listing

Sent: 10:01am

Huh? I don’t even know what that means? So, was it Tuesday or Wednesday that you are showing the unit?

Do you even want to rent this joint?

Here’s the thing, you’re a property manager. Isn’t it your JOB to rent this place out? See, I have a job too. A job I have to be at during the day. A job I have, you know so I can pay rent at your crappy listing. So if you truly want to get people in who have a job and who can pay rent, you might want to do your job a little better and have some flexibility with showing appointments. I may be way off here, but aren’t you the least bit concerned about the people who can drop what they are doing in the middle of the day to come look at your apartment? Are you worried that they don’t have a job? If not, you should be.

Thanks for all of your help. I’ll pass on the property and go live in a van down by the river.

————————————————————————————————-

I haven’t gotten a response.

So now, instead of looking for apartments, I am about to go hand out 100 of these flyers to all the homeless people downtown.

 

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I Am Not A Deadbeat Daughter, Dammit!

For as long as I can remember, my sister and I have gone in on gifts for our mother together. Whether it was Christmas, her birthday, or Mother’s Day, we always consult with each other. “So, any ideas on what we’re getting Mom this year?” we’d start brainstorming in advance. Getting Mom a gift together was a strategy we relied on because we never know what to get her. The woman is impossible to shop for! So, two brains are better than one with coming up with something respectable. And, if she hated it, we could commiserate about our failure.

After I moved across the country, our collective gift-giving didn’t stop. I would go buy the card and sign it with a personal message and mail it to my sister Mandy so she could sign it and give it to our mom from the both of us. 

Well recently, I detected a flaw in the plan: out of sight, out of mind! Since Mandy is the one who physically hands my mother the gift, Mom ONLY remembers that the gift is from her. Even though I’ve taken the time to help pick it out, pay for it and sign the card, Mom has amnesia about my part of the gift. Case in point, last time I saw her I pointed at her handbag, “Awww you’re using your bag. You like it!” I exclaimed. 

“Oh yes! Mandy gave this to me for Christmas!” she beamed. 

“Mom!” I exclaimed through gritted teeth. “Mandy AND I gave you that! Remember? I signed the card?”

She looked blankly back at me. “Oh…oh yeah, sure. Yes, of course…” she trailed off.

Then, later when she was wearing a necklace and I reached over to touch it and comment on it she told me, “Don’t you love this necklace? MANDY gave it to me for my birthday!”

“MOM!!! That was from me AND— you know what? Forget it!” I couldn’t believe it! All these gifts that we’d painstakingly picked out and coordinated and only MANDY gets credit for them!!

I had had it with her running around town telling everyone my sister was the good gift-giving daughter. I was done with being the deadbeat daughter in her forgetful mind. So, this year, I took matters into my own hands.

Mother's Day Mothers day gifts daughter mother humor blog

 

Two months before Mother’s Day, I called my mom. “Hey, Ma! So I just wanted to check in and see if there’s anything you need or want for Mother’s Day this year?”

“Oh…I don’t know, Trace….” She hesitated.

“Now you listen to me, Mom! Every year, every holiday- Mandy and I go in on a gift together. And every time, you say ‘Look at this great gift from MANDY’ and you forget about me. Well not this year!!! This year, Tracy’s gift will prevail! It’s every daughter for herself! Now you tell me what you want, woman!” I demanded.

“Okay, okay. I would like a new dress for the summer. You could get me that?” she suggested.

“Great!” I wrote “Macy’s Card for Mom” on my to-do list.

A couple of days later, Mom called me back. “Is it too late to change my mind?” she asked.

“Huh? Change your mind about what, Ma?”

“Well I was thinking about it and I could really use a new bathing suit. You know, we’re coming out to California to visit this summer and I really don’t have a nice bathing suit that fits me well.  I was going to order one but I guess you could get that for me?” she suggested.

“Yeah, that’s fine, Mom. I was going to send you a Macy’s card. You can buy a dress or a bathing suit or anything you want that Macy’s sells with it.”

“No, no- the one I want is in a catalog.  It’s item number F-2749 and you can call 1-800-“

“Mom!” I cut her off. “I am NOT ordering a bathing suit off a catalog. Who even DOES that anymore? I mean seriously….what’s the name of the store?”

As I pulled up the website online, Mom and I went through the steps to order it together. When it came time to enter the shipping portion, I contemplated whether to send it directly to her or send it to myself first and then mail it to her with a card.  On the one hand, why should I pay for shipping twice? On the other hand, if it got to her early, and without a card from ME, she would probably find a way to forget that it was from me!! No way- I would pay for shipping twice- I was on a crusade!!

As I hit submit on the final part of the online order for Mom’s Mother’s Day gift, I yelled, (maybe a bit manically, if we’re being completely honest here) “AH- HA! You see that?! I’VE ordered your Mother’s Day gift! Early! And something you want! Something you need!! All from ME!! From me, me ME and NOT FROM MANDY! Ha-HA!”

Then, I called my sister, “Hey, so Mother’s Day is coming up… you know how we always get a gift for Mom together?”

“Yeah?”

“And every year she runs around telling everyone, ‘This gift is from Mandy’ and she never remembers that it’s from me too?”

“Yeah, but I mean, I TELL her it’s from you too…it’s not like I’m trying to be malicious or take credit…”

“Well, I know that. But, I’m sorry- I had to cut you out. I went off on my own and I got her my own gift this year. Enough! Enough of me being the bad daughter! And I had to sit on the phone with Mom while she rifled through her catalog.  I mean. Did you even know that people still shop on catalogs? Like, it’s an actual thing?”

“I’m pretty sure one person shops on catalogs: Mom. That’s it. Our mom is the last person who shops through catalogs…and calls in her orders from a landline. Anyway, I’m sorry you had to deal with that and I’m sorry she always forgets about you. But I’m glad you got it covered this year! That’s great!”

I have to tell you, I was pretty smug about the whole thing. Pretty darn smug. Finally it was my turn to shine.

Except then I noticed that my credit card hadn’t been charged. Hmm that was weird. Maybe I didn’t complete the order? I went back and check and I definitely had received a confirmation email that the order went through.  I clicked the confirmation email.

“Thank you for your order. STATUS: BACK ORDERED”

You have got to be kidding! No ETA. No more details- just a great big middle finger from the catalog company. So my gift wouldn’t be here in time for Mother’s Day. Looks like another year of being dubbed the deadbeat daughter!!

I know Mother’s Day isn’t about the gifts, but it’s nice to be able to recognize and show appreciation to Mom and give her something special if we are able. How about you: Do you struggle like I do to come up with a good gift idea? What is the best (or worst!) gift you’ve given or received for Mother’s Day?

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The Lie that Wouldn’t Die

Have you ever been caught in a lie? Of course you have, that’s a dumb question. We’ve all been caught in a lie.  More specifically, have you ever been caught in a lie that you told your kid?

 Here you are, trying to teach your kids to be good and honest people. Then, the little half- pint asks you some complicated and annoying-to-answer question and before you can stop it, a mini- lie slips out all wrapped up in pretty paper with a bow. That is, until the little crumb-grabber tries to debunk it.  So, rather than let your kid find out what a horrible and hypocritical human you are, you keep the lie alive.  Before you know it, you have woven a web of lies and you can’t get out!

For example, the other day my friend Abby emailed me this:

    I made up some dumb fact and Bella called me out on it so I lied that I had looked it up online.  She had the nerve to ask me which site.  I told her Wikipedia and she was horrified. “Mom! Wikipedia isn’t even a reliable source! Anyone can just write whatever they want on there!” Okay, how the hell does an 8 year old know this shit? I couldn’t believe it! She told me they are learning how to find “reliable sources” for their research projects at school….

By the way, what’s up with an 8 year old knowing about “reliable sources” for research? I almost just went into a big spiel about who when I was a kid, we had to use the card catalog and understand the Dewey Decimal System.  We didn’t have any of this internet nonsense to reference! We had it tough- we had to walk to school uphill both ways and we couldn’t just put our earbuds in and stream music… we had to BURN OUR OWN MIX CD’S!! But that would make me look old and dated so let’s stick to the topic at hand: lying. Or rather, bad lies that our too-smart kids can poke holes in, thus making our lives harder.

Here’s a good one for you. A few months ago, my sister planned a trip to come visit me for a few days.  Of course, when my four-year old niece caught wind of this, she pitched a fit. “Mommy, why can’t I come with you to California? I want to come visit Auntie, too!!” she pled.

“Well sweetheart, I would take you with me, but I can’t. You can’t fly on an airplane until you’re five. It’s a rule. So, I’ll take you to California for your birthday in September!”  I want you to pause for a moment. Maybe go back and read that last line again. These simple words strung together, this little harmless lie…this my friends, is what I like to call The Lie That Wouldn’t Die.

Liar toddlers parenting motherhood

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, long after my sister Mandy had forgotten about the little fib she had told back then with all that “fly when you’re five” business. My parents and extended family started unexpectedly planning a summer trip to Southern California. My sister was happy to bump the trip up, as she’d have help from my parents this way. As we were discussing the trip, Kailee’s eyes got wide. “But MOM! I can’t go to California in the summer! I won’t be five yet!” she unknowingly threw my sister’s lie back in her face.  See, the thing about kids is….they NEVER. FORGET.

So the other day, I’m talking to my niece on the phone and I said, “Hey, K! How was your day?”

“Not. Good.” She replied in her grumpiest, poutiest, “It’s SO hard to be a toddler” voice.

“Not good?! Well what happened?” I asked.

“Emerson was telling me lies today.” She told me. Emerson is a little girl she goes to daycare with.

“She’s telling you lies?” I laughed. “What kind of lies is she telling you?”

Kailee took a deep breath and began, “She told me she was going on an airplane to Disney World with her family! And I know that she’s NOT going on an airplane because she’s only THREE and you have to be FIVE before you can fly!!” She was nearly shouting now. “And I got, really, really mad at her because I don’t like people who lie!!”

“Well then you must really not like your mommy because she is the biggest fattest liar of them all,” I managed NOT to say.

“Why do you think she would lie to you?” I asked, continuing my line of lie questioning because I thought it was funny to make my sister, who was next to her, feel as guilty as possible about the lie.

“I don’t know, Auntie. Maybe to make me jealous?” She suggested.

And so the day that my little four year old niece got into a nursery school knife fight because of “The Lie that Wouldn’t Die,” was the day that my sister vowed never to lie to her kid again. **

The End

**Except this one last time when she told Kailee the pilot changed the rules and she can come to California this summer before her birthday. But she swears, it’s the last one!!

What about you? Have you ever told a lie that wouldn’t die?

 

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Sleeping My Way Up The Company Ladder

***This post is the second part of a 2 part story. So, do yourself a favor and if you haven’t already, click here to read the first part to catch up and then come back. Hurry!  

Okay, so where were we? Oh yes, I had just dramatically crawled out of a dirty canyon and desperately needed to be hooked up to life support.  However, nobody would take me to the hospital and I couldn’t drive because my legs were so tired they could not move from the gas to the brake pedals so instead I just went to the office. OH!!! I didn’t tell you, did I???? The boot camp is sponsored by the company I work for. So yeah, all this happened with and in front of MY CO-WORKERS!!!!!!! 

Calm down, calm down- that’s not the embarrassing part either.

Remember when I said I couldn’t sleep the night before because I was SO nervous about oversleeping? So I kept jerking awake all night? Well, that combined with the actual death-defying physical exertion back at the canyon left me deliriously exhausted.  All day at work, my head bobbed and I struggled to stay awake. 

A friend had invited me to a food and wine pairing that evening.  As the end of the work day approached, I knew- I just knew I wouldn’t be able to stay awake for the event without some kind of rest.  Did I have time to race home before the function and take a quick nap? I glanced at the clock: 5:02pm.  Rush hour.  By the time I sat in traffic, and got to my house, there would be no time for a nap. Rats. 

I could put my head on my desk for a few minutes, maybe nobody would notice? But what if they DID notice? That would be awkward….

I called my partner in crime, frantic, “Amy!! I’m sosososososos tired. Like more tired than I’ve ever been. I’m supposed to go to this wine pairing tonight. I just can’t do it. I can’t go without a rest. How awful would it be if I took a nap out in my car? Just a quick catnap? Or even under my desk?”

“Yeah, do it!” she encouraged. “Everybody’s leaving, just turn the lights off…nobody will know.”

I was positive that Amy’s response was going to be that I was nuts and something along the lines of a “Who DOES that?” speech. But when she gave me her blessing, I thought no further. I glanced toward my gym bag. It was now filled with my workout clothes and the 2 towels from my shower earlier. Perfect! I fluffed the bag up like a pillow, set my alarm for a half hour and shut the lights off.  Then, I crawled under my desk for a little afternoon snooze. 

Little did I know that while I was stowed away under my desk dreaming, this happened:

“Hey, Amy….we’re looking for the birthday decorations, do you know what happened to them? It’s Cory’s birthday and we want to decorate her desk!”

“Oh yeah- Try Tracy’s office, she always has stuff like that hanging around.”

Um. TIME OUT. (Everyone freezes like when Zack used to do that in Saved By the Bell. Tell me you know what I’m talking about??) 

During the time out, while everyone is motionless, I walk over to Amy and bitch slap her, reminding her that she can’t send the sweet new girl into my office because I’m SLEEPING.  And Amy’s like, “Oh yeah duh.”  And then the sweet new girl goes back to her desk and is none the wiser.

‘Cept that didn’t happen-  you wanna know why? No, not because Zack Morris “Time Out’s” don’t exist- because I WAS ASLEEP UNDER MY DESK and I couldn’t call a  time out!!!

So—TIME IN:

New girl came into my office and was (rightfully!) taken aback by the image of a member of management curled under her desk in slumber.

She crept back to Amy’s office. “Uhh…Amy, she’s umm.. She’s sleeping.” She whispered.

“HAHAHA Oh my God–  I forgot!!!” Amy laughed.

Then, like the traitor she is, instead of keeping it under wraps, Amy slowly let the sleeping cat out of the bag and nudged some of my other coworkers (some meaning anyone who hadn’t left for the day) to come take a peek at Sleeping Beauty.

Of course, this was all unbeknownst to me… because my alarm hadn’t gone off yet.

At some point, I must have sensed someone present because my eyes popped open wide to the sight of my co-worker Ryan standing at my desk stifling laughter.

This jig was up.

And that is the day that all my co-workers caught me sleeping under my desk a la George Costanza.

For the next several days, anyone walking by my office would stick their head in and casually ask, “Hey, I’m kinda tired you have any room under there?” “Hey, Tracy – is it naptime?” “Hi, George…”

Employee of the year right here.  That’s what I’m sayin’.  I don’t think this is what anyone meant by “Sleeping your way up the company ladder”…but if it was, I’d be at the top!

Costanza

sleeping under desk like George Costanza Tracyontherocks funny blog

Photo Courtesy of Amy “And Amy….et tu, Brute???”

 

If you liked this post, you’ll love the book I’m in! Grab a copy of “I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone,” the follow up to the NYT Best-Seller!

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The Trail of Tears (Mostly Mine) : A Tale Of Boot Camp By Someone Who Shouldn’t Be Going to Boot Camps

 

The story I’m about to tell you is pretty embarrassing. For me, not you, of course.  Considering some of the pickles I’ve gotten myself in, it’s not that bad but for the average Joe, it’s moderately humiliating. So you wanna hear it, huh? Okay…(deep breath) here goes:

 Once upon a time (last Thursday) I decided to get my butt in gear, and kick up my workouts so I crawled out of bed at some crazy early hour and giddy up’ed.  Something you should know about me is, if there is one thing I hate doing more than working out, it’s getting up early. That probably makes me sound like a total sloth but I have just always been more of a night owl. It’s not like I’m always staying up watching TV and stuffing my face with Cheetohs – okay, sometimes Cheetohs are involved- but that’s not the point. The point is, I’m very productive into the wee hours, whether it’s writing or reading or doing laundry: I just function better at night!

So, the night before boot camp, I laid out all my workout clothes, packed a gym bag with my work clothes and shower gear and set my alarm for 6am.  Now, 6am might not sound that early to you but that’s usually when I’m deep in my REM sleep! I was so terrified of oversleeping or not hearing my alarm, that I woke up about eleventy million times in a panic, pressing the clock up to my un-glassesed eyes, “Is it boot camp time yet?” I gasped. “Oh no, just 2:47am.”  That happened about 4 more times throughout the night and needless to say when the alarm finally did go off, I felt about as rested as…someone who hasn’t slept.  (I couldn’t think of a good comparison there.  I tried. But then, I gave up.)

So, off I went to boot camp, half-asleep holding my eyelids up with toothpicks (probably ones that had pierced the olives to my martini the night before but I’m too tired to remember the exact origin).

When I arrived, a “field trip” was announced.  Off we zipped to the canyon for a workout. “What’s with the canyon workout?” I asked innocently.

“Oh it’s really hard, don’t base your impression of boot camp on this,” one participant said.

“You mean the trail of tears?” Another answered.

Um. Pardon? What in the H-E double hockey stick had I signed up for??

I’ll tell you what: Pain, torture, purgatory.

Down the hill into the canyon we ran, over rocks threatening to break and twist our ankles. No sooner had we run down the hill, we were running back up it.  I started to lose steam pretty early on.  “You gotta start somewhere,” I told myself as I huffed and puffed. 

The instructor had us running all over God’s green earth down in that canyon and by green earth, I mean brown dirt.  Dirt that was smeared all over us.  If there’s one thing I hate almost as much as waking up early and working out, it’s getting dirty.

“Okay, guys duck your head and watch out for that poison oak!” the instructor yelled. 

POISON WHAT? I hadn’t signed up for this! I was too prissy for this!!

“Now, we’re coming over here- everybody pick up a rock. We are going to use these as weights. Make sure there aren’t any snakes under there!!” The instructor cautioned.  

Snakes? Now if there’s one thing I hate more than mornings, working out and being dirty- well, you get the picture. It just kept going from bad to worse!

Finally, when I had nothing left to give, the class was over. All we had to do was get out of the canyon. Instead of going out the way we came in, he had us climb up the side of the mountainous terrain.  The hill was so steep, I was clawing at the dirt (and probably also poison oak and stepping on snakes but at that point I was too tired to care) to get out.

My friend Ryan held back with me once everyone else was out of sight. “Ryan, I can’t. I can’t do it anymore. My brain is telling my leg to move and it won’t do it. Please, please call an ambulance. An air lift, helicopter, parachute, I need help. I can’t do this.” I pleaded.

“You can. You will. You have to. There’s no other way out!” He encouraged. Thank God for him, coaxing me up that hill. Stopping to rest. Telling me that at his first boot camp, he was as beat up and bad off.  (Doubt it). “You can do it! A few more steps!” he would call back and I lifted my limp leg with my hand and then dropped it, shuffling up one more step.

Finally, I was met with sweet victory- a miracle had occurred! Not just that I made it to the top, but that I didn’t die in the process. Not dying meaning aside from the fact that my body didn’t crap out on me, I also didn’t fling myself to the bottom of the canyon onto the rocks and to my early death as I had contemplated multiple times.

I was probably 20 minutes behind everyone else making it out of that damn trail of tears but I did it!

I bet you thought that was the embarrassing part: the part where I emerged like a limp, sweaty noodle from the canyon way behind everyone. Not even close.  

But, this post is getting really long, so….TO BE CONTINUED. (Part 2 will be up later this week)

**UPDATED: Click HERE for the second part of this story

 

If you liked this post, you’ll love the book I’m in! Grab a copy of “I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone,” the follow up to the NYT Best-Seller!

I STill Just Want to Pee Alone best selling book People I want to punch in the throat

 

 

Toddler Question Sessions

My niece is 4 and like most toddlers, she’s at the age where she asks a gazillion questions.  I always try to be honest no matter what’s she’s curious about at that moment.

“Auntie, why do you have that thing on your toothbrush?”

“It’s a cover so when I travel, it doesn’t get yucky.”

————————-

 “Auntie, why are your earring holes so big and stretched out?”

“Because when Auntie was younger she wore heavy earrings and they stretched out her ears. When you get older, be careful not to wear heavy earrings, okay?”

————————-

 “Auntie, why do you wear makeup?”

“Well, sweetheart, girls don’t HAVE to wear makeup.  Makeup isn’t what make girls pretty. Sometimes a little blush is nice though. Here let me put a little dab on you, just for fun.”

 So during my recent trip to visit her, it was no surprise when Kailee started in with one of her question- sessions while she was “helping me” get ready in the bathroom.

“Auntie, why are your boobs so big? Will I have big boobs some day?”

“Auntie, what was I like when I was a baby?”

Climbing up on her stool to come be next to me at the mirror, “Auntie, when you were little like me, did you- “

She slipped and fell right on her arse mid-sentence.

“Kailee!” I laughed, “Good thing you have a big bum like Auntie does, to break your fall!”

“Auntie, what if I didn’t have a bum and I only had a ‘gina?”

“Well, sweetheart. Um.” It would be fucking weird is what it would be, I thought.

Kailee looked at me expectantly.  “Umm. See the thing is.  I really don’t know.” Then, she just laughed hysterically and ran out of the bathroom.

That was the first time I wasn’t able to answer one of her questions, but probably not the last. And hopefully the weirdest.

Do you have kids or little ones in your life? What’s the weirdest/funniest/hardest thing to answer they’ve asked you during a question-session?

 

If you liked this post, you’ll love the book I’m in! Grab a copy of “I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone,” the follow up to the NYT Best-Seller!

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The Pony-Show Interview

Nobody likes interviewing: fact. It’s awful. You have to dress up in a suit and talk about how great you are for an hour and carry on about why you’d be perfect for a job that you don’t even *really* know you want… because as much as you’re lying your face off about how great you are, the employers are probably lying theirs off about how great the job is. It’s horrible. It’s not fun- period, end of story.

Know what else isn’t fun? Interviewing people. How the hell am I supposed to know in an hour if you’re a good catch? It’s like marrying someone after going on one speed-date with him. The whole thing is just awful.
A while ago, I wrote a post about the time I bombed an interview. You can read it here if you’re interested and need a self-esteem pick me up. Turns out, that wasn’t the last interview I would bomb….

Amy and I are co-managers of a department, so we co-interview for new candidates. We did a couple together and they went really well. Amy said to me, “I like doing interviews together. We always have the same questions, the same answers to their questions and it saves the person from having to repeat themselves. Plus, it’s more fun with a different energy when we’re together.”

Today, a nice young lady came in to interview for the job. She did all the right things and we were really impressed. We try to be ourselves in interviews and give the job-seeker a relatively normal glimpse into how casual our work environment is and how we operate. Everything went fine and we asked some good questions and were impressed with her answers. At the end of the interview, I was wrapping things up and concluded with:

(What my brain thought I was saying): As you can probably tell, we’re pretty casual here. We work really hard but we aren’t a stuffy company and we know it’s important to have a lot of fun when you’re at work. We want to find someone who’s a good fit for our culture and I hope you felt that in talking to us.

Somewhere the message got lost in translation from my brain to my mouth and this is what came out instead: (Hands gesturing around wildly) “Sorry for the pony show –“ (Cut myself off hysterically laugh/cackling as I realized that was NOT what I meant to say…)

I STG I actually said the words “pony show” IN. AN. INTERVIEW. And with NO CONTEXT!!

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I don’t know why I said that. I didn’t MEAN to say that- it doesn’t even make sense! The other day, Amy said “What’s up with this crazy pony show” and for some reason I’ve been laughing to myself about it ever since, and have been dying to use it. OBVIOUSLY time to use it WASN’T at the end of an interview, tourettes-style.

Thankfully the girl just laughed and said, “No, I think you guys are great- I think you’re funny.”
While I feebly attempted to pull myself together and pathetically explain my very strange outburst, I glanced over at Amy who was just staring back at me with wide eyes and her mouth gaping. Somehow we made a break and thanked the girl for coming in and as we left the conference room, Amy burst out laughing. “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT BACK THERE?” She asked, half horrified, half laughing.

“I don’t know!! I really don’t know what is wrong with me?!” I responded as we walked by one of our co-worker’s desks.

“What happened?” our co-worker asked.

“Oh my god- I just BOMBED that interview,” I told her.

She looked at me, confused, “Huh? How did YOU bomb an interview? I mean I know you can bomb an interview for a job you’re trying to get but how do you bomb one that you’re conducting?”

As I tried to explain what happened, Amy corrected me- “It’s not just that you said ‘pony show’ it’s that you realized how ridiculous it was and hysterically started laughing and none of it made any sense.”

If this girl takes the job, at least we’ll know she’s fully equipped for the insanity that is bound to ensue.

And THAT, my friends, is how you bomb an interview.

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Thanks for reading! ~Tracy

Are You A Keeper or a Tosser?

My mom likes stuff.  She’s a bit of a collector.  She’s not like “Hoarders: Buried Alive” yet or anything.  Maybe more of the “Borderline Hoarder: Might Be Buried Some Day So Keep Checking on Me” variety.

Mom has had stuff stashed away for the grandkids since before there was an inkling that there might be grandkids. Also if the end of the world comes, my parents will be the last ones living because they have a bunker in their basement with canned food that could keep them going for years.

My sister, on the other hand, is a tosser. She throws everything away. She places zero sentimental value on anything and therefore things that are not necessary for everyday use she considers to be clutter.

Mandy has always been like that.  When were kids, Mandy and I shared a room. I remember one day we were cleaning out our closets.  I held up a sweater one of my mom’s friends had knitted me a few years ago.  Since she had made one for Mandy too, I turned to her for advice. “Ugh.  I feel so bad.  Obviously this sweater took a lot of time to make.  It’s really nicely made but let’s be honest, I’m never going to wear it.  But I feel horrible giving it away.  What should I do?” I asked my sister who was throwing things into the “giveaway” bag at lightening speed.

She momentarily looked up from her “tossing.”

“Are you kidding me?” she snorted.  “I got rid of that thing like two days after we got it.  Yeah, it was a nice gesture but it’s ugly.  I can’t believe you still have it!” She shook her head as she went back to her sorting.

I probably kept the sweater for another year or so before I finally got rid of it.  That pretty much sums us all up. Mom keeps things, Mandy throws everything away, and I’m somewhere in between.

What’s hilarious is watching my niece deal with living in a Throw-Away house.  She’s 4 and by now she’s figured out that things in her house “disappear” unexpectedly. Mandy said sometimes she sneaks things over to Grammy’s for safekeeping because she’s also figured out nothing disappears at Grammy’s house.

When I was out visiting them last, we took my niece Kailee to the grocery store.  She ogled over a Princess Ariel Pez dispenser and my sister told her if she was good the entire time- no whining!- she could keep it.  On her best behavior, she got to take Ariel home.  The next day, I saw her frantically rifling through a drawer in the kitchen.

“Kailee, whatcha looking for?” I asked.

“My Ariel! I can’t find my Ariel. Someone must have throwed it away,” she sighed.

I chuckled, “Oh yeah, who would do that?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged her shoulders.

HAHAAH I don’t know what’s funnier: that she has figured out and accepted that shit just disappears….OR that she has no idea who the “someone” is and it hasn’t occurred to her it’s her own mother and finds it totally acceptable that “someone” creeps into her house throwing her crap away. Ahhaha

So Mandy made a deal with her. Kailee has a nightstand with two drawers and anything that she wants to keep in them,  Mandy promised won’t get thrown away.   I love looking in Kailee’s drawers to see what treasures she’s deemed worthy of protecting.  All her special things get put in there for safekeeping against “someone” throwing them away.

Last time I peeked in there, she had stashed these little plastic animals that I had given her and a couple of other things and I was so giddy that she had wanted to spare her presents from Auntie from disappearing.

I keep laughing at Mandy that Kailee is a hoarder in the making because she’s going to grow up wanting to keep everything in retaliation to the tossing. Who knows what will really happen, in the meantime it’s hilarious to keep tabs on her treasures drawers.

What about you? Are you a keeper or a tosser?

 

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Kailee’s Junk Drawer

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 Thanks for reading! ~Tracy

 

A Letter to Bam

One of my best friends lost a parent to cancer today and my heart hearts for her loss and my heart hurts because I knew her and loved her too. She was a wonderful, dynamic and loving person and I am happy she doesn’t have to bear the burden of fighting anymore. I know I will hear her laughter forever in my memories.

Here is a letter I wrote to her a while back. I am posting it here because I don’t know what else to do.
This is not my usual post and I promise my next one will be more upbeat. But today, I will mourn the loss of a wonderful lady, and I will pay tribute to her in the only way I know how.

Bam,
As I sit here trying to find the words, I wonder what you would say to someone who was sick. I wonder if you would feel the anger I am feeling now, the rage at the unjust. I wonder if you would punch your pillow with tears falling down your face, crying, “Why?” over and over again. I wonder how you would handle hearing a loved one was facing cancer. I wonder this because you are the person others try to emulate. You are the person we all want to be like. You always just know. You know how to say the right words, you know how to find comfort in times that feel helpless. You know how to be positive and graceful and kind when all the rest of us feel that positivity and grace and kindness have escaped us.
I am not sure, because I have not perfected the art of living the way you have, but I think that you would tell me to put the rage and anger aside and express kindness and love. I think you would tell me to pray- however it is that I pray, whether it be to God or to a different power, for hope and for calm. I think you would tell me that anger isn’t a productive emotion and you would tell me to speak with words of love.
You may not have any idea how often I think about you- how being around you and Cap forever changed my outlook on life. You have such a fabulous energy about you, such a wonderful and sincere charisma. You have always exuded an aura that anything getting in the way of what you wanted was a joke. Not in an arrogant way- and I’m not saying that things came easy! I know you’ve worked hard. You just calmly DON’T ACCEPT that something isn’t going to happen. You believe in paving your OWN path and you just find a way to make it work— sure, you hit hiccups along the way, but you embrace those as just little pit-stops on the path to where you want to wind up.
And you LAUGH! When things go wrong, you LAUGH! I can hear your laugh now. You have this way of lighting up the room when you laugh. You don’t have a wimpy laugh, you have a bubbled up from the belly laugh that can only come from someone who has learned to enjoy life in such a way that a laugh isn’t just a way of expressing that something is funny. Your laugh is a piece of your soul escaping your lips and touching the people around you.
I remember in college, Jess invited me to go skiing with you guys. My immediate reaction was to politely decline. There were a million reasons not to go: First, I had never been skiing. Imagine! Growing up in New Hampshire and I had never been on a ski lift! I was a struggling college kid, I couldn’t afford it. I didn’t have the gear…the list of reasons not to go- and my list of fears- was a mile long. “Pfff! Of course you’ll come with us! Don’t worry about that stuff!” you said. So we piled into the car and you had gear for me and we drove up to the mountain. Remember how we loved that Macy Gray song, “I Try”? We sang on the top of our lungs, “I try to say goodbye and I choke. Try to walk away and I stumble. Though I try to hide, it’s clear…My world crumbles when you are not near” over and over and over again. I remember the feeling I had when I finally made my way down the Bunny Trail- I did it!! I really did it! I remember thinking, I really need to say “Pfff!!” more often to things that scared me.
Bam, no matter what happens with this cancer and how it tries to get you down, please know that YOU will always have the last laugh. I know this is so because your laugh has already touched everyone you’ve ever met and it’s become a part of us too. Whenever I have a moment where I have to remind myself to be brave in the face of fear, whenever I ask myself, “What would Bam do?” (which is often!), I know that you’ve already beat being sick. You’ve kicked cancer’s ass because cancer will NEVER be able to take away all the people you’ve touched just by being you.
Love,
Tracy

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