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Holiday Gift Guide: Gifts that Give Back

This year, it’s more important than ever to have love in our hearts and to find ways to be kind to one another. I decided that this holiday season, my shopping list would include things that could make an impact. In the spirit of giving, I chose to purchase many gifts from organizations that give back to the community. I knew this would make me feel really good and the person I was giving it too as well, knowing that the purchase of a gift they were receiving went toward helping someone else in need.

Here are a few of the places I found that donate a portion of their proceeds to really great causes! I hope you’ll consider giving some gifts that give back too. Together, we can make a difference!

One Hope Wine

This is on the top of my list for a couple of reasons. First: wine!!!

Also, there are so many options and price ranges to fit any budget and each item supports a different cause. One Hope’s proceeds have helped plant trees, provide people with clean drinking water, adopt animals , and help veterans-  just to name a few. Pick your gift or pick a cause, there is something for everyone! I ordered a few bottles of wine and they were delivered within 2 business days, no extra shipping costs  Tfor the speedy delivery.

A couple of my favorite gift options from One Hope:

Glitter Celebration Gift Pack $99

Champagne, glitter, AND every box provides 25 meals to children in need!

one hope wine, gifts that give back holiday gifts

This celebratory gift box is the perfect complement to any special moment. Whether it’s New Year’s Eve or a birthday — or every occasion in between — you’ll always be in perfect company with this super-fun set that includes a silver glitter bottle of our Brut Sparkling Wine, along with two charming champagne flutes. We even added a confetti tube for an extra-pleasurable pop!

 

Good Karma gift box $49

Every box helps provide 1 microloan for a business in a developing country.

good Karma, One hope Wine, Holiday gifts charity gifts

For the coffee lover in your life. Includes 1 pound of ONEHOPE Karma Blend Coffee and your choice of a mug* in a white gift box. Mug Options: “Make It Happen,” “But First, Coffee,” or “There’s A Chance This Is Wine.”

 

 

California Cabernet Sauvignon – 18.99

Every bottle helps fund ABA therapy for children with autism.

 

One Hope Wine, Charity wine, gifts that give back

This broody Cabernet is full of baked blackberry and deep cassis aromas. Loads of roasted coffee and cocoa notes fill the palate. Hints of sage leaves and the slightest touch of paprika. Fine structure and leathery tannins make this a remarkable wine.

 

Check out the website for more gift and wine packages!

 

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Next up is “Love Your Melon” – 50% of the proceeds from the sale of all Love Your Melon products are donated to nonprofit partners in the fight against pediatric cancer. You can buy a hat….that’s gonna help a KID WITH CANCER. I’m sure you don’t need another reason than that to buy one, but I’ll give you one anyway: They’re super cute!!! And to date, they have donated over 1.5 million dollars and over 80,000 hats.

Love your melon hat, Christmas Gifts that Give BAckLove your Melon, holiday gifts that give back

 

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Bombas –  “Bee Better”

Growing up, the items my mom would include in my stocking varied but there was always one constant: SOCKS. Why? Because everybody needs socks! The inspiration for Bombas was formed when two friends came across a quote: “Socks are the number one most requested clothing item at homeless shelters.” The solution? A company that donates a pair of socks for every pair sold. The more socks they sell, the more they donate to someone in need.

 

Bombas socks, Christmas gifts, gifts that give back

Best Seller’s 8 Pack $81.60

Bombas socks, Gifts that Give Back , Holiday gift guide

Men’s Originals Calf $12

 

If you have any suggestions for great gifts that give back, please share them in the comments section!

 

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I promise to never share your info or spam you.

Thanks for reading! ~Tracy

 giving-guide

Let’s Make Them Wonder

Trader Joe’s employees are always so f*$%ing happy. It doesn’t matter which location, what time of day I go in, or how busy it is…they’re always skipping around the store like they’re having the time of their lives. Like seriously, what are they all so shit-eatin’-grin happy about?

Even if you actively try not to let their happiness rub off on you, it’s just not possible. Last time I was shopping there, I was walking down the cereal aisle minding my own business looking for the Triple Berry O’s when a guy stocking the shelves behind me was VERY LOUDLY singing along to the overhead music. “Don’t you— forget about….ME!” he belted out by the oatmeal like nobody was watching. Like he was in his own damn shower or something. I caught myself staring at him. He saw me. I didn’t look away. He didn’t care. “Don’t don’t don’t don’t- don’t you, forget about me….” He smiled. I stared some more. “Best ending to a movie EVER, right?” He asked me. I grinned, “Yeah the Breakfast Club- definitely up there.” DAMMIT- point for the Trader Joe’s happy guy.

Look it’s not that I’m unhappy or want people to be miserable. But I was beginning to wonder what exactly they were selling in their bags of kimchee. So, I asked my girlfriend who worked there years ago, “Lisa, you worked at Trader Joe’s….why does everybody who works there walk around smirking like they just got a handie in the canned corn aisle? What gives? What the feck are they all so happy about?”

“I don’t know…..it’s a good company to work for. People are treated well….you get to work with your friends. The time goes by fast because most of the time, it doesn’t really feel like work.

Also I think most of the people who work there are high a lot,” she mused.

THE KIMCHEE! I knew it!

While I attempted to buy healthy-ish food when shopping at Trader Joe’s, I have to confess I’ve never been much into “fitness.” See: I can’t even write it without putting it in quotes….like working out is a fictitious concept dreamed up by Walt Disney or something. I’ve always been much more drawn to sedentary activities like reading, writing, drinking wine, get-rich-quick-scheming, and participating in mac and cheese eating contests against myself. So when my friends told me about this gym called Orange Theory Fitness last year, I even surprised myself by showing up and trying it out.

Orange Theory is a gym that offers group workouts and interval training. You wear a heart monitor so you can optimize calorie burning by staying in the best (orange) zone during your workout. When I first walked in, the coach looked so happy I turned around like maybe Ed McMahon might have been behind me with one of his huge checks. Nope. He was just jizzing himself that he got to help another person workout.

I shook my head. So it was going to be one of THOSE workouts….I’m east coast sarcastic and I don’t usually respond to the “get go ‘em tiger” attitude most of the time. But while I jumped around the room and tried not to go into cardiac arrest, the coach cheered everyone on, encouraging and enthusiastic.

What was he so f%$&ing happy about anyway, I wondered. Was it because he got to see hot chicks in tight clothes bouncing around all day?

As I drove home one night after working out and stopping to pick up some groceries- drenched in sweat and other people’s enthusiasm- it occurred to me why these guys were always so happy.

It wasn’t because of the hand jobs or the pot, or the hot chicks. (Although those are perfectly good reasons to smile, especially if it’s a hand job from a hot chick while you’re smoking pot. Okay I’ve had more HJ references in this post than in a Judy Blume book….yikes)

It wasn’t for any of those reasons. Simply put, the reason they are so f#%&ing happy is because they really love what they do.

And when you love what you do, people notice…and it makes them smile too.

I can appreciate that because I truly love my job. I laugh a lot. I work really hard but I have a lot of fun with the people I work with. I know I’m not always at TJ level happy and I don’t always look like I just found the winning lotto ticket stuck in a crate full of mangos, but I have my share of laughs and wins at work. I hope sometimes people wonder what the F I’m so happy about.

Whether it’s at a job, socially, or at home with our families-I think we should all aspire to spend more time doing something that makes other people wonder what the !$*@ we’re so happy about!

**For the record, neither Trader Joe’s nor Orange Theory paid me to write this post. Probably if anything, they would make ME pay THEM in the form of a legal settlement for writing about their happy little businesses in the company of some many “$%&” and hand job references. Luckily, there are only about 4 of you left who actually follow this blog, so I think I’m safe.

 

THE BREAKFAST CLUB, Judd Nelson, Emilio Estevez, Ally Sheedy, Molly Ringwald, Anthony Michael Hall

THE BREAKFAST CLUB, Judd Nelson, Emilio Estevez, Ally Sheedy, Molly Ringwald, Anthony Michael Hall, 1985. ©Universal Pictures/Courtesy Everett Collection

Bad Boys, Bad Boys…Whatcha Gonna Do When They Come for You?

Nothing seemed exceptionally exciting about last night; I had packed a gym bag, prepared my lunch, and gotten my laptop ready for work in the morning before going to bed. I was in the middle of a dream where Goose from Top Gun and I were hanging out at an all-you-can-eat gummy bear buffet and had just run into Chris Farley and David Spade circa Tommy Boy, when I was jolted awake by some loud banging. What the Christ was going on out there? BANG BANG BANG! The force at which someone was banging on my door was alarming. I grabbed my phone- it was 1:43 am. Hoh-ly. Shit. It was like that Dateline episode where the dude came into the house and shot the girl right in the face with a shotgun.  The pounding continued, more urgent now.

Nofuckingway, I thought. Nofuckingway was I getting shot in the face by some angry guy from Minnesota on a rampage over people riding horses on his property! I had just watched THAT episode not too long ago and Nofuckingway was that going to be me. “Fight or flight”, I thought as I threw myself off the bed and onto the floor. I listened as the banging continued. Crawling on the floor, I peeked my head out the door and saw what looked like a dim blue light flashing through the front living room windows. I sucked my breath in as my heart beat even further out of my chest.

He must be casing the joint! He’s casing it, trying to see if I’m home before he bangs the door down, I thought. There was that blue-ish light shining in through my windows again.  I needed a plan. I crawled back into my bedroom and flicked off the fans. I didn’t want there to be any signs of me being home. I looked around my tiny bedroom and concluded that the only place to hide was in my shoebox of a closet. I shoved a pile of shoes aside and crawled into the tiny space. There, I thought triumphantly. Now if he comes in, he won’t think I’m home and he won’t blow my face off. The banging continued- the killer was outside really going to town on the metal security door. It would probably only be a matter of minutes before he smashed in a window. In fact, I wondered then, from the suffocating confines of my spot in the closet, why he was causing so much racket. If he wanted to come in and kill me, wouldn’t the upstairs neighbors hear him banging away at the door? Wouldn’t they call the cops? My mind was hazy from sleep and my heart was still beating heart attack fast and nothing seemed to make sense.

Eventually, the banging stopped. It was as if the killer had given up. And if he hadn’t….well, frankly I had given up on hiding. It was uncomfortable down there squished between my shoe rack and my hamper and I couldn’t take it anymore. So, I crawled back into my bed and eventually dozed off around 3am.

When my alarm went off a few hours later, I was wondering if I hadn’t dreamed the whole thing up. Certainly a hiding- in- the- closet-from-a-Dateline-killer dream was NOT my subconscious’ best work…

I was still gathering my bearings and texted my girlfriend Amy about it:

text message

Still confused, I showered and left for work. Sipping coffee from my travel mug, I halted at the sight of my car in its spot in the driveway. There was debris and glass all around it, and the fence that I parked next to seemed to be sort of…inside my car. I put my belongings down and rubbed my eyes. Was I still dreaming? What had happened? Did a tree fall on my car or something?

I surveyed the area and saw the next door neighbor outside sweeping glass off of her driveway. Her car was crushed like an accordion from the side and her yard looked like a tornado had come through it. “Good morning,” she said, as cheerfully as one can be while sweeping mounds of glass from ones own smashed up car. “You missed all the excitement last night. Some guy I guess was on meth. He blew through here on the wrong side of the street. He took out a street sign, drove into my yard, smashed my wife’s car, then smashed into my car, which smashed into the fence and then into your car. It was crazy, the whole neighborhood was out here! I can’t believe you slept through it. We were with the cops knocking on your door but you didn’t wake up! I guess your doorbell is broken but we really did try…”

“Oh. Um. Yeah, well…” I stammered. “I gotta lay off the darn Ambien- slept right through the whole ordeal!” I lied.

Ohmergod. The cops. It was the cops banging on my door. I was hiding in my closet with my phone cued up to dial 911- terrified and hiding- FROM THE COPS.

[ Bad boys bad boys whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? I’ll tell you what I’ll do- hide in my closet. D’oh! ]

And yet another reason I need to stop watching crime shows.

Also, boys and girls: #dontdometh

car crash

car crash tracyontherockscar crash tracyontherocksIMG_2823

 

**Nobody was hurt as a result of this car crash. But seriously, people- don’t drive while impaired!

Don’t miss a post! Subscribe to email notifications to get an email any time I post something new.

I promise to never share your info or spam you.

Thanks for reading! ~Tracy

A Father’s Greatest Gift

 “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much he had learned in 7 years.” – Mark Twain

When I was a kid, my dad used to take my two brothers, sister and me to the park and push us on the swings. There was an old crabapple tree there and he’d let us pummel him with crabapples that had fallen on the ground. Dad would take us to church every Sunday and stop for donuts on the way home. He’d pause in the middle of mowing the lawn to talk to me when I was excited to tell him something, even if it meant being stuck in the sweltering heat for even longer.

Dad showed us how to build the coolest snow forts in winter, or would help us build giant snowmen, even if he was exhausted from shoveling the massive driveway. In the summer, Dad was always the first one in the pool throwing all the kids in the air or bouncing a ball around. He coached my brothers’ little leagues and even kept coaching basketball long after my brothers had lost interest, because he really loved making a difference in lives of children.

Once, when my girlfriends and I were around 12 or 13, we were having a campout in my backyard. My friend Jessica said, “Let’s play a game. Let’s say whose father we think is the most handsome. I’ll go first: Tracy’s!” I ended up telling him about it and we still tease him about his “girlfriend” Jessica…and take the opportunity to remind him that he was- and still is- the handsome dad.

Dad was the SOREST loser at Sorry!, Life, or Rummy. He would always make us play “one more round” if he had lost so he could have one more chance at winning. He always rode the roller coasters with us at the amusement parks and even tried to sneak us onto some of the scary rides when we were too little on the height chart.

Dad worked hard and provided well for us but he was always home for dinner and never compromised spending time with us for his career. He was at every one of our dance recitals, chorus performances, school plays, and softball games. He taught us how to drive- although I’m sure he won’t take credit for my driving abilities….He encouraged us to do well in school and took us to look at colleges. Then, when I was homesick he would come pick me up from college and offer a ride to any of my girlfriends who needed to get back home and he’d always act interested in the latest gossip. Sometimes I think he kept up with who was dating who better than I did!

My father made sure we knew that family came first, and that a man should never treat a woman badly, either with his words or with his hands; that we should never marry someone who wouldn’t make family his top priority. Dad taught us we should be smart and responsible with our money. That we should follow through with our promises and our words should have conviction. He did his best to make sure we worked hard and always put our best into what we were doing: whether it was  chores, school, or jobs- we should always give 100%.

My dad took his job as a parent seriously. There were times, especially during the teenage years, where I thought perhaps he was taking it a little too seriously and we definitely had our challenges. But I always knew that he cared and wanted the best for me. He didn’t just tell me how to be a good person, he showed me. And that is the greatest gift you can give a child.

Happy Father’s Day to my dad- and to all the dads who lead by example every day. You are appreciated, and you make a bigger difference than you know.

Father's Day

Father's Day

Best dad and best Grampy too!

 

 

And Isn’t It Ironic… Don’t You Think?

Here is some irony for you:
A girl at work has conjunctivitis or “pink eye” if you will.
For the last three days, I have run around Lysoling (eff you spellcheck that is too a word) her desk, calling her to tell her to stay home for one more day (“I don’t care what your doctor said!!”) and declaring to anyone who will listen, “If I get pink eye and my contacts get ruined, I’m invoicing her!!!”
Then, this afternoon, I was in my office, switching from wearing glasses to contacts so I could go work out. And that’s when I dropped my contact.
On.The.Floor. 
On the carpet- at work. The carpet that gets vacuumed never minus a day. (I know this because I crushed a wheat square cereal on the floor under my desk last week and its remains are still there)
The carpet that gets more foot traffic than Grand Central Station. Walked on by shoes that have stepped in dirt, gum, dog shit, mad cow disease, homeless people’s pee and God only knows what else. (Hey, these are my coworkers we’re talking about- I don’t know where they hang out. Actually, I do. Add some puke from Vegas to that list. And maybe the tears of a dead hooker.)
And then, I picked that contact up off the floor- and I had no choice:
I put it IN.MY.EYE.
After all that freaking out about pink eye, and I basically took some syphilis and rubbed it in my eyeball.
Well, ain’t that just the way life goes….
Like this post? Please share it! Thanks for reading ~Tracy
contacts irony

Boss on the Rocks: Shit My Boss Says Part 2

You guys, you have some cah-razy bosses. Thank you for sharing your stories- I want to go on a roadtrip and visit all the bosses in person.

If you missed the first post of hilarious boss stories submitted by readers, click here to catch up.

And without further ado, here’s some more shit YOUR bosses said:

“Hello, Dolly” -Submitted by Anonymous Reader, California

So my boss made me go to a gross buffet for lunch. While we were sitting there, this large breasted woman walked by our table. After the woman passed us, my boss just says out of the blue for no reason, Dolly Parton. That was it, nothing else. Then like 3 minutes later he says, I really used to like her music. That was it. I said nothing. Obviously he was trying to pretend the woman had nothing to do with why he said that in a Chinese buffet with Spanish music playing.

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“Things I Don’t Want Chafed for 500 please, Alex” – Submitted by Jennifer S., Illinois

These are actual words that came out of the mouth of my boss at work today, so brace yourself:

“The last thing I need is a chafed penis.”

Well, my co-worker was complaining that his undershirt was itchy. So, he then asked our boss what brand of undershirt he wears and if they were soft. Then my boss never really answered the question but went on and on and on about the length of his undershirts and blah blah blah. Eventually he started talking about his underwear, that nobody asked about, and said they need to be comfy and eventually finished the unnecessary explanation with, “The last thing I need is a chafed penis”.

My coworker told me later that he wished he never asked that simple question because my boss took it to somewhere that he was not interested in knowing anything about. File this is in the I did not need to know about that section please.

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“Life Lessons”- Submitted by Gretchen F., Massachusetts

Today our boss is teaching the intern where the planets are in the solar system. Then he told him how racism works and why it is bad. This has been going on for over an hour. At lunch he tried to teach him about World War III. This intern guy has a fresh bachelor’s degree and apparently did one year of law school. I am sure he already knows these things. Our boss is the biggest time waster EVER. Umm, yes he has clients who need to be contacted, but apparently this is more important. I am just glad he has a new person to “teach” so he leaves my other coworker and me alone.

Now he is telling him how ships are built. I want to go home.

Do you have a hilarious boss story?

Please share it with us! tracy@tracyontherocks.com

 like a boss, boss on the rocks, shit my boss says, tracy on the rocks. funny boss stories

 

 

 

21 Pickup Lines That Have Actually Been Tried (and should never be tried again) on Online Dating Sites

And if you missed the first round of online dating horror pickup lines, click here to get caught up.

Courtesy of my poor girlfriend who hasn’t thrown in the towel yet.

 1. Have you played any games lately that you really enjoyed?

Funny you should ask, I am currently playing the dating game and losing.  Looks like you are too.   

 2. Aaaaaaaahhh :)

 Did my profile put you in distress?  What kind of message is this?

 3. I know this weird to ask you   but I want to be different from the other guys just saying hi sexy so here I go.Hi, I just wanted to know the truth have   you ever got flowers from a guy without asking him.Also Valentines, birthdays, clubs, anniversary , and family don’t count be honest?  How long ago when you received them ?

 Oh you are different in your lack of knowing how to space words and sentences properly.  Also, clubs? 

 4. Are there alot of flakes in this site? I figured I’d start my conversation like that being as how it’s the trend for guys nowadays to just message and not do anything about it.

 Sir, how do you know what the other guys are doing nowadays?  Are you posing as a female on here to conduct research? Weirdo.

 5. Hello goodmorning how are you doing !   

 Sir, your elementary school English teachers have failed you. 

 6. I like to gamble and want to know which has better odds. Getting rich in Vegas or you meeting me for coffee?

 Definitely go with the Vegas option. 

 7. Nice tits!

 Your mother must be so proud.

 8. Message…

 Umm, yes you sent me a message.

9. You seems like wonderful person Have a beautiful day Ronan: )

 Ronan, you seems like person struggling with English. 

 10. How are things going for you,my name is dee what’s your name i seen your page and liked what I saw you seem like a down to earth woman with a great sense of humor and you have a nice smile,as for me I’m originally from California,I’m 31,so of the things I like to do for fun is go to the beach,chill with family and friends,bbq,go to car shows,sports,and music,i would like to know more about you like what your interest are what makes you smile and what makes you cry and who knows when we talk to each other we might have alot in common and probably went through some of the same things in life,so if you’re interested in getting to know me like I am interested in getting to know you then leave me your number I can give you a call and we can get to know each other better sweetie.

 Oh Dee, you used a period so I guess you thought that was one sentence.  Or is it dee and your parents didn’t give you a capital letter?  Oh and you must be too busy building run on sentences to use the space bar properly.  I can already tell you something that makes me cry….your message.

 11. If you could pick a animal to describe you what animal would you be?

 I would hopefully be an animal with better dating prospects than a female human in her 30’s.  Penguin?   

 

Online Dating Funny tracyontherocks.

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 12. Has someone already said “I’d like to wander your globes”?

 Nope, you are the first.  But you don’t win anything, least of all a date. 

 13.  Hi.. How you doing? I’m blear.    

 Hi there ‘blear’.  I am not sure if you or your parents spelled your name incorrectly but good luck in life with that situation. 

 14. Will you be my new friend with benefits? :-)

 Nope, we are not friends.  But since you said ‘new’, did the old one quit?  Also, just to be clear, are you offering me medical insurance?  Define benefits sir, because maybe I am interested.

 15. Love it!

 Sir, you love what?  Is that your whole message?  You are a man of many words.   

 16. ohai there well i feel you appear attractive and consequently would like to explore the possibility of enhancing your life by means of exposure to my awesomeness k thxbai

 I am pretty sure life enhancement would not be the only thing I would catch after being exposed to you sir. 

 17. You are beautiful.  Would you be interested in taking my virginity?   

 No thanks, I am pretty sure I am not interested in a disappointing and probably messy 38 seconds to waste in my life.  Also I am sure you are as much of a virgin as I am sir.  Just to be clear,  I am saying that I doubt you are a virgin.  Second thought, looking at your pictures I may be wrong.  That F.B.I. (female body inspector) shirt isn’t helping your cause and neither are those zip off cargo pants.  Good luck to you in your endeavors and maybe bring a friend shopping with you next time.     

 18. Looking at your profile took my breath away.  I am still having trouble catching my breath, beautiful. 

 Sir, you may have asthma and should seek medical attention right away. 

 19. Are you down with brown?

 Is this in reference to water conservation rhymes?  When it’s yellow, let it mellow.  When it’s brown, flush it down?  Yes, I conserve water. 

20. whats up? You want hang out?   

 So is ‘hang out’ a thing I can have like take out because I am pretty sure ‘want’ is the verb in that sentence?

 21. And finally the message winner of the week:  Boobs 

No commentary needed. I give up.  

 

Don’t miss a post! Subscribe to email notifications to get an email any time I post something new.

I promise to never share your info or spam you.

Thanks for reading! ~Tracy

Photo Bombed

There are some people you meet who you’re instantly drawn to because you have so much in common. Then there are the people who are nothing like you but are so lovable you have no choice but to want to be around them. Troy is the latter.

Troy was one of the first people I met when I moved to California. I can’t imagine any two people being more different. I love to read; Troy’s spelling is atrocious. I don’t have any tattoos…Troy is covered in ink.

My friend Molly introduced us at a house party; she had gone to school with him. I shook Troy’s hand and 20 minutes later, Troy decided he wanted a new tat. He geared up his home tattoo pen and handed it to me. “Here, do something on my leg,” he told me.

“Um. Sir? I don’t really have any artistic ability and I’m a little drunk. I don’t think I’m the best person to be putting a permanent marking on you….now or ever,” I told him as I nervously held the needle.

“HA! It’s fine! Just go for it! Whatever you want!” He rubbed a spot on his leg with a (hopefully sterile) wipe and told me to have at it. My hand shook as I came closer to his skin. I knew how to draw approximately zero things. Maybe I could put a neat quote on there? My handwriting is decent….I approached his appendage and touched the needle to the skin so lightly it barely left a mark. “Okay! I’m done! It’s a…it’s a period. End of the sentence. I think that’s pretty profound!” And then I threw the needle, still buzzing, on the floor and ran away.

Troy is the kind of person whose laugh reaches out and tickles your soul. It’s impossible not to laugh with him. Troy doesn’t pretend to be someone he’s not- he doesn’t apologize for who he is and he doesn’t have a reason to. He’s made mistakes. Unlike a lot of people, he’s okay with talking about his. Troy’s smile lights up a room and his energy can’t be ignored.

It’s been almost 12 years since I first met Troy. I haven’t seen him in ages. We’ve all gone our own ways and we aren’t the same kids who at 22 could hang out every night down by the beach at keg parties and tattooing each other over beers after the sun went down. I know if I ran into Troy today, he would give me his toothy grin and a big bear hug. He’s just that kind of person.

Troy still finds a way to sneak his hilarity into my life now and again, just when I need it.

After a long week at work, I noticed I had been tagged in a photo on Facebook by Troy. He had taken a picture of Molly and me and photoshopped their mutual friend Ryan into it. I don’t know Ryan, but the picture made me laugh.

funny pic humor blog tracyontherocks

“Hey, you guys wanna hook me up with some Doritos?”

Then I noticed that this photo was one of a whole album he had made goofing on his friend. I don’t know most of the people in these pictures and I’ll probably get sued by someone for posting them, but I couldn’t help it- I was laughing so hard at all the places he had Ryan popping up, I was snort laughing. I had to share them.

tracyontherocks funny pictures

“Coochie Coochie coo”

 

tracyontherocks funny blog

It’s a boy!

 

tracyontherocks funny pictures

Girls Night Out..

 

tracyontherocks funny pics

Make it a double!

tracyontherocks spare a square funny

Spare a square?

tracyontherocks funny beach san diego

Another beautiful day at the beach…with Ryan

tracyontherocks funny boat

Don’t forget your sunscreen!

tracyontherocks funny blog

Ouch! Can I get you a cold compress?

 

San Diego Chargers

Go Chargers!

Groundhog day what if there was no tomorrow

What if there was no tomorrow?There wasn’t one today, right Ryan?

Tracyontherocks beach funny

What is it? Do you think it’s poisonous?

 

tracyontherocks funny

“Pssst…over here.”

 

classic car tracyontherocks

Put the pedal to the metal, let’s blow the popsicle stand!

tracyontherocks funny

“Hey guys do you have any spare floaties around here?”

 

tracyontherocks funny blog

Say cheese! (This one just kills me, complete with his hand around the little girl’s shoulders and that boy’s expression- I can’t.)

 

San Diego Zoo tracyontherocks

“Hey! Hey you, kid! Is this your first time at the zoo? Do you know where the Dole whip stand is?”

MLK tracyontherocks

MLK had a dream. And so did Ryan…that Troy would stop photoshopping his face into pictures.

 

Times Square NYE tracyontherocks

Happy New Year!

 

tracyontherocks six flags rollercoaster

Look, ma! No hands!

tracyontherocks date night

You look so beautiful this evening, darling.

 

SeaWorld Tracyontherocks

Hey do you guys know where the penguin exhibit is?

tracyontherocks skiing

Fresh powder, let’s hit the slopes!

Patriots Seahawks Super Bowl tracyontherocks

Ryan comes in for the win!

tracyontherocks funny

There you are! I’ve been looking for you all day!

Merry Christmas family photo tracyontherocks

Merry Christmas from our family (and Ryan) to yours!

Thank you, Troy. You make me laugh more than you know! I hope you look occasionally at the punctuation I left on your leg and think of me.

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Thanks for reading! ~Tracy

The Virgin Mary was Selfish (and other Holiday Musings)

This is a very long overdue post! I have been neglecting my blog and for those of you who have noticed, thank you! I have not abandoned you in vain, however. I have been working on a collection of short stories that I intend to make into a book. If anyone reading this has ever written a book, hat’s off to you! Hell, not just my hat- my sweater, pants, underroos- all of it!- off! I’m standing here naked bowing down to you. Holy hell writing a long piece is hard.  There have been nights that I pop out of bed at 2am with an idea I just have to write down….and long stretches of very frustrating writer’s block. There are times when the words flow and others where pages are deleted in disgust. But, whatever happens, I’m giving it a go so that’s where I’ve been while I haven’t been here.

In other news, you may have noticed that Christmas just happened. Christmas. If there’s anything that’s come close to the combo of exhausting and excitement that’s transpired from book-writing, it’s preparing for Christmas. The card-writing, present buying, wrapping, party planning, shipping, tree trimming, and overall hemorrhaging of money and energy is enough to leave anyone less than jolly and there were moments where I was no exception.

I work for a travel nursing company and we had over 2,000 holiday cards to get out this year for our contract employees. I was spearheading the project and there were some Grinch moments for sure. I thank my wonderful coworkers for putting up with me during this time of chaos and creative curse words.  I had paper cuts that needed stiches by the time we were done.

At the post office, as I went to my car to retrieve box after box after box of Christmas cards to drop off at the counter, an older woman in line asked me, “What’d you do, write to your Congressman??” No lady, I care not enough about ANY cause, besides the one I get paid to do, to have written a trunk, back and front seat full of letters.  Another customer in line also stopped to tell me that every day is hard, but that God loves me. I think the message would have been received a little differently if he hadn’t been standing on his tiptoes to preach to me over the taller-than-me boxes I was carrying and had instead offered to help but hey, you can’t win ‘em all.

Last winter I went back east to celebrate my nephew’s first birthday in February. I proceeded to get stuck in Chicago for several hours, then stuck on a plane for several hours, then kicked off the plane where I stood in line for several hours, only to be told the next flight was in a few hours and MIGHT get me to Boston, eventually…but no promises. 24 hours later, I showed up at my sister’s house haggard, exhausted, hungry, delirious, and without luggage. Before passing out, I had a talk with my nephew. “Sorry, buddy. Looks like this is the only birthday I’ll be here to celebrate with you because your mommy is selfish and had you during the winter when travel conditions are hell.  I’d be happy to visit you on your half- birthday though? How does that sound?”

As for Christmas, I stayed in town again this year. Because Jesus’ mommy was selfish too.

 

How was your holiday? Did anything hilarious, awful, stressful, awesome, or predicable happen? Let’s get a little group therapy going in the comments!

 

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Subscribe to email notifications to get a message any time I post something new (which is almost never lately, sorry!)

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Thanks for reading! ~Tracy

 

 

Christmas humor funny card

 

 

 

5 Things Every Woman Should Know About a Toolkit

The other day, I was engrossed in Caitlin Moran’s book, How to Be a Woman,” which Vanity Fair calls “the U.K. version of Tina Fey’s Bossypants.” So far, I’ve found her writing to be bold and irreverent. I had just finished reading the chapter where Moran talks about reclaiming the word “feminism.” She didn’t do it in a bra-burning bitch way, and reminds us that being a feminist isn’t a bad thing! I was feeling mighty womanly and powerful after that chapter as I put my book down to refill my wine glass.

How to be a Woman Caitlin Moran

 

Just then, the mirror that has been sitting on the floor of my bedroom since I moved in six months ago caught my eye. I’ve been waiting to bring in the handyman to hang that and take care of a bunch of other things I need handled around the house.

With my newly charged womanly can-do attitude (and armed with the guidance and bravery from the contents of my wine glass), I pronounced (to no one in particular), “I don’t need a handyman to hang this mirror! I want this mirror hung and hung shall this mirror be! I am perfectly capable of hanging this damn mirror!!”

And so I set about getting out my very capable and womanly toolkit with which I would hang my mirror.

I will tell you this: being a feminist ain’t easy and either is figuring out how to use tools. I’ve made a short list of things I learned from this experience that I will share with you below.

pink toolkit

1. An electric screwdriver is not the same thing as an electric drill

*Yes, even if you take a screwdriver bit and try to use it to make a hole, it’s still not the same thing as a drill. Trust me.

2. You need to charge an electric screwdriver before it will work. I don’t know if you need to power an electric drill first, because turns out I don’t have an electric drill, only an electric screwdriver…but I would assume the same logic applies

3. These are not nipple clamps. I don’t know what they are for but I can assure you they do not bring pleasure to the nipple region.

important

4. If you don’t have a drill to make a hole for the wall anchors, you could give up on the wall anchors and just simply bash a hole in the wall using a hammer and a screw instead.

*Method not recommended

5. When engaging in #4, if you hung a very heavy mirror over your bed, make sure you are not sleeping in said bed during an earthquake so your head doesn’t get bashed in when the mirror falls on you.

And that, friends, is how you get.it.done. I am woman, hear me roar!

Mirror bedroom

 

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(Which is almost never lately, sorry! I’ve been working on writing a book!)

I promise to never share your information or to spam you. Thanks for reading! ~Tracy

 

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