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Beautiful Bastard: Dirty Secrets from Book Club

I was recently invited to join a book club. Although I love to read, I’ve never been in a book club because a. I like to pick out my own books and b. I like to actually talk about the books and I heard most of the time book clubs are just excuses to drink wine and nobody talks about the book. Well I have enough excuses to drink wine (like “I got out of bed today! Let’s celebrate with wine!” or “Ohhh look! I made it through another day at work without going postal- cheers to that!!” or “It’s Tuesday!!” You get the picture).  Also I feel like I am going to wind up being the annoying person at book club who shows up with discussion questions printed out and my answers thoughtfully typed up and then get mad when half the group didn’t even read the book or care enough to talk about it.

So anyway, I’m powering past my book club issues and I accepted the invitation to participate.

The first two books were off the Best- seller list and we all voted on them: “The Girl on the Train”- by Paula Hawkins and “All the Light We Cannot See” by Anthony Doerr which was a Pluitzer Prize winner. I thought both books were pretty respectable, especially “All the Light We Cannot See” which was a little slower moving but the writing was exceptional.

The 3rd month, we tried to do something new…..we decided we’d rotate who picked the book each month. So, I got a notification about what the next book was and I downloaded it onto my Kindle. It was called, “Beautiful Bastard” and was also on the best seller list.  I had no idea what the book was about past that. However when I hit about 3%, of the way in on my e-reader, they were totally (and graphically!!) DOING IT!! “Holy hell, I think this is one of those SEX BOOKS!!” I mumbled to myself like the 95 year old trapped in a 34 year old’s body that I am.

It was totally book porn!!! (Erotic fiction I think is what it’s officially called.)

 

 

So I of course I read the book porn, not because I necessarily WANTED to, but because I had to! I had committed to it!! And what if somebody showed up with the discussion questions and I was the one who hadn’t bothered to read the book? What kind of hypocrite would that make me?

I read this sex book because I am a good person, dammit- not because I like filling my brain with smut!!

 

Beautiful Bastard by Christina Lauren

Text exchange between my girlfriend and myself after both finishing the book:

Friend: “Oh my GOD can you believe how trashy that book was for book club?”

Me: “I know!! I absolutely got dumber with each page. I read it on a flight and at the layover, I bought a Fortune Magazine and a book about world peace just to fill my brain with something other than fictitious orgasms!!”

Friend: “And that was SO unrealistic. I mean who would let somebody rip a $200 pair of panties off them multiple times?! Who even WEARS $200 panties? How about her wearing thigh highs with a garter belt to work??”

Me: “Completely!! I mean I’m lucky if I show up to work with my hair blown dry and with pants on, let alone wearing slinky lingerie to work!”
Friend:”I don’t even wear slinky lingerie for my husband like that! “
Me:”I know. Sososo unrealistic and ridiculous.”
Friend: “Totally.”
Long pause.
Friend: “Don’t judge me but I might buy the sequel.”
Me: “I’m not judging you. I probably might have already bought it.”
Friend: “And what I mean is, I’m halfway through it.”
Me: “Yeah, me too.”

 

Any suggestions for books to read when it’s my turn to pick? Of course I am ONLY looking for well-written, thought-provoking and riveting masterpieces. (Wink)

 

 

**Amazon Affiliate disclosure: This post contains links to products that are sold on Amazon at no additional cost to you but if make a purchase by following the link, I will receive a small (and I mean very small) commission. If you were going to purchase this book anyway, please consider doing so by following the link on this page. This is not a sponsored post. I was not paid to write this post and have no ties to the author or publisher whatsoever.

 

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Pickup Lines from Online Daters (Alternate title: WTF?!?!)

Here is an email from my single girlfriend that had me in stitches. I had to share. The subject line was (appropriately) marked, “Dating is Awful.” What is wrong with people? I have no words. Poor us for having to scrape the bottom of the single pool. But at least we can laugh about it (after a few glasses of wine…)

Hi ladies,

So here are just a sample of some of the recent messages I have received from online dating.  They are copy and pasted and I did not alter them.  I am losing hope ladies.  Le sigh……
Hi! You have a very curious interest in primates. lol Anthropologist?
-Umm what?  No I don’t have any pictures of monkeys on my profile.  So, um what?
Hi. I like your level of activity. You seem pretty interesting. How’s your day doing?
-My level of activity?  Do I know you sir?  Are you watching me through my window and seeing me watch netflix marathons on the couch?  Huh?
You are tantalizing! I’m Vince btw hope we can chat I know I have only see your pics but I love the energy you put out from them :) and I know I have no info up lol there is a reason for that    
-Vince I love how you ignore all punctuation.  Nobody has time for pauses.  No info on your page and there is a reason?  Is that reason that you are married?  Weirdo.
have a wonderful day (: please reply if your interested have fun gl!
-Dude, for the 100th time your and you’re are different, ugg.  Also what is gl and have fun doing what?  Looking at other profiles? Oh I will.
You look so familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?
-No you don’t but good try at getting me to respond to you.  Too bad his profile was lame.
Who do you think pretends more on this site, men or women?
-Clearly you do if you have to ask.
Hi. How are you? Cute u are!!
-Umm, Yoda is that you?
Hey-I saw your profile and really got a kick.
-Huh?  A kick?  Are you a pregnant man?  Who is kicking you?
Hey there! Are those b( . )( . )bs as big as I think they are? You look absolutely stunning!
He must be a true gentleman.
Hello beautiful how are you doing are you into black man you’re very beautiful
Another guy who hates punctuation.
You’re so cute that cat look at pics of you on the internet!!!
-What is this about a cat?
my goodness you are gorgeous, i would just eat you up
-So you are saying you are a cannibal and you hate capital letters?
They say a picture is worth a thousand words but yours left me speechless.
-I just gagged and threw up in my mouth.
Do you know what a footjob is? 
-Nope
if this makes you smile it will be the best thing I would accomplish today… hear this out I’m in a Chinese restaurant and this duck comes up with a red rose and says: “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds.” I said: “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck
-You need to come up with better material Jay Leno.
Hello.my name is Tyler.how are you doing?
-Tyler must hate the space bar.  Really, who doesn’t?
you are better than most :)
-Uhh thanks.  Is that a compliment?  But I am not the best?
Hi there! Sorry to send this message to you out of the blue but I noticed your profile and thought it was interesting…I am going to be in SD for a conference and wanted to find an interesting, intelligent woman to hang out in the evenings. No expectations for what will or will not happen…just some honest fun and stimulating company. I am not sure if you’d be up for that but figured it couldn’t hurt to ask. I look forward to hearing back. – JS  
-So I guess your wife couldn’t make this trip this time?
i read your profile and i’m impressed i can’t spell but i’m good with my hands i can fix almost anything ….don’t get scared by my pic i didn’t have my makeup on…….
 
-I have no words.  Good luck being forever single buddy.
You look nice when u dress up
-Thanks for that backhanded compliment.  My grandma agrees with you sir but she likes using punctuation at the end of her sentences.
Hey what’s ul
-Not much dude.  What is ul with you?
Your gorgeous and I’m definitely interested and would love to get to no you better so if I sparked some interest get at me
 
-Oh I will get at you about your sad grammar skills.
happy Friday Carolyn :)
-Who is Carolyn?
 **Note from Tracy: Not my friend’s name….
hi hey, i saw your thing and you appear to be a real cool chick, so let me know if you’re interested if you like jim
-You saw my thing?  Oh good I am glad.
Cat Cat I Cat thought Cat this Cat is Cat an Cat easy Cat way Cat to Cat say Cat Hi Cat to Cat you Cat……..lol….. John here
Now read the above sentence without the word cat
-Aren’t you clever, she says sarcastically.
You pretty
-Oh good, my first message from a caveman.
Yard crazy sexy like, dammmmmmnnn!!! Hahaha I wish I could mee you…amazingly gorgeous!!! I could barely breathe I think you took my breath away 😉 if you don’t message me how will you know if I’m alive??!! I still can’t breathe :(  
-Sorry sir, what?  You have a crazy sexy yard and you want to mee?
Did you date my sister in college? 
-Nope
And finally the best message ever:
 
Stop, boner time! 
WTF - What the Fuck. Internet Concept. Button on Modern Computer Keyboard.

WTF – What the Fuck.

 

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Ono You Didn’t: Top 5 Memories from My First Trip to Hawaii

My friend Meredith was at her parents’ vacation condo in Hawaii several months ago. She sent Amy and me a photo of the view from the lanai, suggesting we do a girl’s trip out there in June, so of course we said, “Hell yeah!”

 

Hawaii funny Kona island vacation

View from the lanai

Meredith, who’s a real go-getter, must have been hopped up on mai tais because once she got a yes out of us, she didn’t wait for any more details. About ten minutes later she texted us, “Great! I booked the plane tickets. Pay me back whenever.” Guess this was happening…

So off we went to Kona, on the Big Island. This was my first trip to Hawaii. I honestly wasn’t prepared to be wowed. I live in Southern California. We have beaches, palm trees, awesome weather….I’m spoiled and it takes a lot to impress me. But, soon after we arrived, I was impressed. The black lava rock covering the town was so awe-inspiring. The water was clear and as warm as bath water, the sand white and soft between our toes.

Kona Hawaii white sand beach funny blog humor blog

Although there were a million points I could hit on, I’m going to give you the top 5 memories from my unforgettable trip

1. The Creatures and Critters and things that Made Us Go “Bump” (on our heads) In the Night

Other than the scenery, what made me realize I wasn’t in Kansas anymore were the various creatures who wanted to hang out with us. If you’ve talked to me for 5 minutes, you’ll probably discover that I don’t really like creatures- of any variety. First, and most unpleasant, there were cockroaches everywhere. SICK SICK SICK!!! We learned early into our week long trip that leaving the screen door open was a no-no. Amy and I were sharing a room, and as we were lying in our respective beds reading one of our first nights there, suddenly I heard a loud “WHACK!”

“What the hell was that?” I asked as she flailed around.

“It landed on me! One of them landed on me!!” She screeched. “I whacked myself in my head with my ipad!!”

I didn’t know what “one of them” was, but I knew it couldn’t be good. Amy recovered from her ipad injury as I hid under the covers.

We then proceeded to exterminate the little fuckers.

Amy found a shoe and chased them down. I sat hiding under the sheets until she yelled for me and I would go around and pick up the moth and cockroach carcasses around the room with a wad of tissues.

“GAH!! There’s another one!!”

“Where?”

“I don’t know! Up there! Get him! We gotta get him to come out. Heeeerrrreee cucaracha here little cockroach!” I tried to lull one of them out.

“I mean. Are you really trying to singsong them out of hiding?” Amy looked at me flabbergasted.

“I don’t know! Do you have any better ideas??”

That night, Amy and I went to bed and woke up periodically hitting ourselves, dreaming about creatures crawling on us.

And let’s not forget the geckos- but after my initial fear of the little amphibians, I was told they ate the cockroaches so I was a little more forgiving of them habitating the condo with us, knowing they were joining forces with our extermination efforts. We even adopted one who really liked hanging out with us (wouldn’t leave) and who we named, “Felix.”

 

gecko hawaii humor blog funny

This was before I knew they eat cockroaches and not people

 

Gecko Kona Hawaii

I’m a GECKO not a Geico!”

2. Meeting Non-Murderers at the Watering Hole

We hit up the Kona Brewing Co for dinner and beers. Even though we can buy Longboard Lager here on the mainland, I can assure you it’s tastier sipping one from the brewery in Kona.

Kona Brewing Company Kona, HI

At the Kona Brewing Company

Then we went to a bar called “Huggos on the Rocks” but most people just called it “On the Rocks” which I was delighted about and took the opportunity to tell anyone who would listen that I am a “famous” blogger and I was Tracy “On the Rocks.” Because of my fame- more likely because we were 3 girls at a bar together and from the looks of things the only people there under the age of 50- but for the sake of this story let’s go with the fame theory. So me being an internet sensation and all, we were getting shots bought for us all night. Some of them were disgusting shots like Kamikazes and Sex on the Beach shots but we graciously choked them down.

Huggos on the Rocks Kona, HI Tracy on the rocks

Tracy…on the Rocks. Get it?

 

Huggos on the Rocks Kona, HI

 

Huggos on the Rocks Kona, HI

In between our sugary awful shots, we met a nice fella named Dallas. Dallas was there with his uncle and by the end of the night, he was telling us about a chartered fishing trip that his company had paid for but all his coworkers had bailed on him. He asked us if we girls wanted to join him because he was going with or without them and it would be more fun not going alone. We deduced from a series of Kamikaze shot induced questions that he was not a murderer.

And we took extra precautions in addition to our effective interrogation strategy by taking his Driver’s License and telling him that we were running a background check. “Hey I’ll be right back I’m running a background check on you. You better not be a killer.”

“I’m not.”

“Yeah good, that’s what I thought.”

Also we figured there would be a captain on the ship so there was only a small likelihood that we would end up shark bait so we agreed to meet him at the marina the next day

3. Fishing with Tex and “The Legend”

The next day, we nursed our pounding headaches, packed our cooler full of beer and headed off to meet Tex. Yes, his name was Dallas. But my little pea-brain couldn’t register that. And if you’ve been one of the many unlucky victims of my nickname giving, you should know now that Tex was doomed from the start.

Anyway, we climbed aboard the “Camelot” and popped up top to crack a beer.

deep sea fishing camelot Kona HI

This is me fishing

 

No sooner had we gotten settled in, there was a big commotion and we finally gathered that we were getting a bite. We shooed Tex down to deal with the fishing portion of the day’s programming. But then, a few minutes later while Tex was reeling in an ono, there was more hooting and hollering. Another bite! Meredith was the more obvious pick for this so we kicked her down to reel the big guy in. I looked at Amy and said, “What the hell? I thought we were going on the boat to drink beers and read magazines? That looks like a lot of work!” Sidenote: I don’t think that fisherwoman is in my career path in any future lives.

So Mere get shoved in this chair and strapped in. It looked a little bit like she was about to give birth and I was more than a little bit terrified. Maybe we should have done a better background check!

ono you didn't! Kona, HI fishing Caemlot

Meredith reeling in her first ono

It took her a little while to reel the big guy in but she did it! And as for looking like she was giving birth, she told us afterward that the Captain’s son was down there with her coaching her through it as such. “Keep going! You can do it! Just a little more. You got this! This is so hard but once you do it, your life will never be the same! Keep going, keep going!”

The rest of the fishing trip was a little more relaxed and we got to know the captain and his son. “I’m a LEGEND around here,” Captain Robert exclaimed.

“Uh, a legend in your own mind?” I asked.

“No, a REAL LEGEND! Chris!! Get them the brouchure!” he bellowed to his son.

“Great,” his son Chris said. “Now you got him started.”

“Read this!” the Captain handed the flyer to Meredith. Meredith read aloud a local tourist brouchure in which our captain was named a legend indeed. The paper was very worn (almost as if he made all his passengers read from it) and he mouthed along to every word.

The Legend was a real character and kept us laughing the entire time. He even sold us these ridiculous shirts which I’m sure our dads will be real proud to see us wearing around town.

wet dream camelot kona Hawaii

Kona, Hawaii The camelot TracyontheRocks

“Hey Dad, I went to Kona and all I brought back was this inappropriate t-shirt..”

 

 

fishing Kona HI vacation girls trip

 

After a fun day in the sun on the boat, we came ashore and the Captain’s other son filleted the fish. SICK SICK SICK. While he was chopping the thing up, he pointed out this really, really gross thing that lives in the fish’s stomach. It’s some kind of a leech and it was still alive when it came out. I don’t know why I am subjecting you to knowing this gruesome tidbit, but I had to live it so now you do too.

fishing ono Kona, HI leech sick

The stomach leech is hanging off his finger. SICK!!

 

And I must have had enough of those Longboard Lagers because I TOUCHED IT!!!

 

leech fishing ono Kona HI

Sick

 

Kona, HI disgusting  ono leech humor blog

sick sick sick

 

I also ate the freshest piece of sashimi I’ve ever laid eyes on, but I promise you that was BEFORE the leech thing.

ono sashimi sushi off the boat Kona, HI tracy on the rocks

Now that was some fresh fish!

 

ono Kona, HI deep sea fishing

Mere’s catch of the day

 

ono Hawaii Kona deep sea fishing camelot

Tex and his catch

 

ono fishing trip camelot Kona, HI

Our two catches- Meredith’s is the bigger one, in case you were wondering

 

We went home and cooked up Meredith’s catch and made some bomb-ass fish tacos and toasted to our fun day while we watched the sun set.

Kona Hawaii sunset

 

 

4. Hyperventilating- (or what some people call “Snorkeling”)

Another one of our adventures was going snorkeling. Let’s be real I didn’t have any intention of snorkeling. I’m pretty much afraid of everything and if there’s one thing that scared me more than being eaten by something in the ocean it was SEEING what was going to eat me before he did. Also the thought of putting my mouth on the little mouthpiece thingy that someone else had slobbered on absolutely disgusted me.

I declined the fins and shoved myself into an inner-tube and was the least graceful person to ever fling herself off a boat. There was a 95 year old woman who hobbled into the water more easily than I did.

Here is a tiny sampling of what was going on in my deranged head when my body first submerged in the water:

“Ohmigawd Ohmigawd ohmigawd -something is definitely biting my leg, what’s biting my leg? Everything in here wants to eat me.” (Picturing everything in the ocean with a bear trap for a mouth) “I’m going to leave here with no legs. I should have looked up what rating the hospital on this island has before I left. What if the hospital I go to doesn’t know how to fit me for a prosthetic? Holy Shit, holy shit. I’m going to die. This is where I’m going to take my last breath. This is it.”

I gulped to take said last breath and looked around. Hmm… nobody else had died yet so that was a good sign. They all had their heads in the water. Well maybe I would just take a quick peek to see what was going on in there….As my breathing steadied and my panic subsided slightly, I plunged my head underwater.

Wow. It was SO beautiful. All that coral and fish…I could see so far down into the clear water and come to think of it, it didn’t seem like my legs were looking very appetizing to any of the sea creatures swimming by….

And eventually my wanting to really see the marine life even outweighed how disgusted I was over putting my mouth on the slobbery mouthpiece.

The ONLY disappointing part of our snorkeling trip (besides me being an embarrassment to the entire snorkeling community) was that I was lured out there with the promise of a bar on board but they wouldn’t open it up and serve us until the way back. Evidently they thought it was “dangerous” boozing up a bunch of idiot tourists and then throwing them in the ocean. Whatever.

 

Kona Hawaii snorkeling

Snorkeling Kona Hawaii

I earned that beer

 

5. The Time We Missed Our Flight and it REALLY Wasn’t My Fault

A few more beach days later and it was time to leave. Although our departure from Kona was not the best part of our trip, it was certainly one of the most memorable. After we had piled all of our luggage into the car, we noticed that we had a flat tire on our rental car. At this point even if it had crossed our minds to change it (to be clear, it didn’t ever cross any of our minds) we probably wouldn’t have had time to YouTube it and get it done in time to make our flight. #justsaying

We called a cab and the dispatcher told us it would be about “15 Minutes.” Now, we had been on the island long enough to know how “Island time” worked. 15 minutes was more likely 30 minutes but we had high hopes because we had just barely that much to spare and still get to the airport on time.

………

A good 45 minutes later and this giant, bald Samoan man with tats on his face and a long scraggly beard rolled up. No sooner had we shut the doors and put our seatbelts on, he started yapping up a storm.

“I got a call this morning and my day started out really bad,” he told us. “Women problems. I had a girl for 7 years. 7 years! But she cheated on me. How’s that? So whatever. I was pretty bummed out you know because she was pretty good at the –” (positions his hands at his side in a mock humping motion)- “so you know I miss that. But I got a new girl too. I gotta keep looking good for her. So I’ve been going to the gym. Everybody at the gym is taking these testosterone shots. They’re supposed to really work. So I’ve been getting them. I had to go get one today. If I didn’t get one today, then I would have had to wait until tomorrow and it would have thrown my whole cycle off. That’s where I was this morning before I got you guys and why I’m so late. I’m surprised you’re not more mad about it.”

“Uh…we’re plenty mad about it!!” I told him. “Now we’re going to miss our flights! But what are we going to do about it?”

I glanced in the backseat at Amy and Meredith like, ‘Is this really happening?’

I thought they were both going to reach up into the front seat and strangle him. “I mean. I really wish you hadn’t told us that.” I said to him.

Just then his phone rang, “Hey I gotta take this. This guy’s gonna be mad. I’m late picking him up too….”

As we pulled up to the airport, I said, “Whelp. See you later. Good luck with all your girl problems. And I hope your sticks and berries get messed up from all those shots you’re taking!!”

We ran as fast as we could to our gate and found our plane. We blew past security and just as it was taking off, we reached it and hung off the wheels as they were pulling them up and that’s how we managed to sneak onto the plane and make our flight home just as we had planned despite that idiot cab driver and his testosterone shots.

Nah, I’m just kidding- of course we missed our flight. That cab driver owes us several hundred dollars and 6 extra hours of our lives we’ll never get back. But, there are worse places we could have been stuck. And on the bright side it’s the only flight of many that I’ve missed that 100% wasn’t my fault so add that to the list of firsts from our unforgettable trip.

spam and eggs kona hawaii

Spam and eggs for days

 

Kona, HI Palm Treet

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Boss on the Rocks: Shit My Boss Says

Boss on the Rocks is a new feature where I’m going to publish YOUR hilarious boss stories.  So many people have the funniest stories about their crazy bosses and we want to hear them! If you have a funny or ridiculous story about your boss, please submit it to tracy@tracyontherocks.com.  Please indicate if you want to be kept anonymous.

And now for our first edition of Boss on the Rocks-  read on and get ready to laugh!

“Larry Stone” – submitted by Anonymous Reader

I thought you might like to know what has been going on in my super efficient office this week. First off, my boss is helping his niece to find and buy a used car so that has taken up all of his time, of course. So he has been sending emails to ads for people selling their cars. For a reason unknown to me, he started giving out a fake name to these people. The name he has chosen is Larry Stone. So we started getting calls for Larry Stone earlier this week. Of course we did not know who that was since he gave out our office number but did not tell us of the situation, so we told them they had the wrong number.

Until one of the callers then said, “Well can I speak to ‘my boss’s actual name’ then?”

Apparently while emailing out this fake Larry Stone name to people’s car ads, he used his actual email with his real name on it. He is a genius really.

_________________________________________________

“Relish the Moment” – submitted by Anonymous Reader

Today, my boss decided before calling any clients, he needed to immediately address an important issue. That issue was the expiration date of the jar of relish in our office fridge. He noted that there was not an expiration date, so he spent the next 45 minutes calling the manufacturer of the pickle relish to get an answer. After being put on hold and transferred numerous times, he finally got his answer regarding the relish. He was very pleased with himself after as though he had actually accomplished something.

FYI, the company said there is no expiration date and just to refrigerate it after opening

_________________________________________________

“Take Your Pants Off” – submitted by Anonymous Reader

So, today at work after lunch, I said I was really full and glad I wore stretchy pants. Then my boss says, “Well take your pants off if you want to. Just keep your underwear on. We don’t mind.” My coworker quickly responded, “Yes we do.” He said this all nonchalantly like it was a real option. I am still not sure if he was serious or joking. So anyway, that is my story of when my boss told me to take off my pants at work. What a fool.

 

Thanks so much for reading!

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Good Will Apartment Hunting

My roommate is getting married so it’s time for me to be a big girl and get my own place. So, looking for an apartment is fun, huh? In case you didn’t catch it, I was typing with my sarcastic font on. Everything I look at has most things I want. No places have everything I want, and all places are more than I want to pay. Needless to say, it’s been an exhausting past few weeks of searching.

An added element of delight is the vast array of morons who post rentals on the internet.

You might think that working with a property management company would be a smoother experience than working with an owner directly since they are professionals. If you were thinking that though, you’d be wrong.

Here is a recent email exchange I’ve had with a property management company:

From: Tracy

To: CL Poster

Subject: 4492 5th Street Listing

Sent: Monday around 9pm

Hi,

I am writing in response to your listing on CraigsList for the available unit on 35th Street. Please let me know when the property is available to view.

Thanks in advance,

Tracy

————————————————————————————————-

From: The CL poster

To: Tracy

Subject: 4492 5th Street Listing

Sent: Sometime in the middle of the night on Monday

You can see it at 1pm tomorrow.

————————————————————————————————-

From Tracy

To: CL poster

Subject: 4492 5th Street Listing

Sent: 7:30am

Good morning, thank you for your response. I’m sorry- to be clear, the unit is available to view at 4pm today, Tuesday May 19th or Wednesday May 20th at 4 pm?  I am unclear because of the time this was sent and want to make sure that we are on the same page!

Also, I work during the day, is 1 pm the only time I can view it or is there possibly a time later in the evening I can come see it or perhaps first thing in the morning?

Thanks,

Tracy

————————————————————————————————-

From: CL Numbskull

To: Tracy

Subject: 4492 5th Street Listing

Sent: 10am

I have. A few people meeting there. Hope to see you there or another time if I can’t find anyone. Thx

————————————————————————————————-

From: Tracy

To: The CL Idiot

Subject: 4492 5th Street Listing

Sent: 10:01am

Huh? I don’t even know what that means? So, was it Tuesday or Wednesday that you are showing the unit?

Do you even want to rent this joint?

Here’s the thing, you’re a property manager. Isn’t it your JOB to rent this place out? See, I have a job too. A job I have to be at during the day. A job I have, you know so I can pay rent at your crappy listing. So if you truly want to get people in who have a job and who can pay rent, you might want to do your job a little better and have some flexibility with showing appointments. I may be way off here, but aren’t you the least bit concerned about the people who can drop what they are doing in the middle of the day to come look at your apartment? Are you worried that they don’t have a job? If not, you should be.

Thanks for all of your help. I’ll pass on the property and go live in a van down by the river.

————————————————————————————————-

I haven’t gotten a response.

So now, instead of looking for apartments, I am about to go hand out 100 of these flyers to all the homeless people downtown.

 

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I Am Not A Deadbeat Daughter, Dammit!

For as long as I can remember, my sister and I have gone in on gifts for our mother together. Whether it was Christmas, her birthday, or Mother’s Day, we always consult with each other. “So, any ideas on what we’re getting Mom this year?” we’d start brainstorming in advance. Getting Mom a gift together was a strategy we relied on because we never know what to get her. The woman is impossible to shop for! So, two brains are better than one with coming up with something respectable. And, if she hated it, we could commiserate about our failure.

After I moved across the country, our collective gift-giving didn’t stop. I would go buy the card and sign it with a personal message and mail it to my sister Mandy so she could sign it and give it to our mom from the both of us. 

Well recently, I detected a flaw in the plan: out of sight, out of mind! Since Mandy is the one who physically hands my mother the gift, Mom ONLY remembers that the gift is from her. Even though I’ve taken the time to help pick it out, pay for it and sign the card, Mom has amnesia about my part of the gift. Case in point, last time I saw her I pointed at her handbag, “Awww you’re using your bag. You like it!” I exclaimed. 

“Oh yes! Mandy gave this to me for Christmas!” she beamed. 

“Mom!” I exclaimed through gritted teeth. “Mandy AND I gave you that! Remember? I signed the card?”

She looked blankly back at me. “Oh…oh yeah, sure. Yes, of course…” she trailed off.

Then, later when she was wearing a necklace and I reached over to touch it and comment on it she told me, “Don’t you love this necklace? MANDY gave it to me for my birthday!”

“MOM!!! That was from me AND— you know what? Forget it!” I couldn’t believe it! All these gifts that we’d painstakingly picked out and coordinated and only MANDY gets credit for them!!

I had had it with her running around town telling everyone my sister was the good gift-giving daughter. I was done with being the deadbeat daughter in her forgetful mind. So, this year, I took matters into my own hands.

Mother's Day Mothers day gifts daughter mother humor blog

 

Two months before Mother’s Day, I called my mom. “Hey, Ma! So I just wanted to check in and see if there’s anything you need or want for Mother’s Day this year?”

“Oh…I don’t know, Trace….” She hesitated.

“Now you listen to me, Mom! Every year, every holiday- Mandy and I go in on a gift together. And every time, you say ‘Look at this great gift from MANDY’ and you forget about me. Well not this year!!! This year, Tracy’s gift will prevail! It’s every daughter for herself! Now you tell me what you want, woman!” I demanded.

“Okay, okay. I would like a new dress for the summer. You could get me that?” she suggested.

“Great!” I wrote “Macy’s Card for Mom” on my to-do list.

A couple of days later, Mom called me back. “Is it too late to change my mind?” she asked.

“Huh? Change your mind about what, Ma?”

“Well I was thinking about it and I could really use a new bathing suit. You know, we’re coming out to California to visit this summer and I really don’t have a nice bathing suit that fits me well.  I was going to order one but I guess you could get that for me?” she suggested.

“Yeah, that’s fine, Mom. I was going to send you a Macy’s card. You can buy a dress or a bathing suit or anything you want that Macy’s sells with it.”

“No, no- the one I want is in a catalog.  It’s item number F-2749 and you can call 1-800-“

“Mom!” I cut her off. “I am NOT ordering a bathing suit off a catalog. Who even DOES that anymore? I mean seriously….what’s the name of the store?”

As I pulled up the website online, Mom and I went through the steps to order it together. When it came time to enter the shipping portion, I contemplated whether to send it directly to her or send it to myself first and then mail it to her with a card.  On the one hand, why should I pay for shipping twice? On the other hand, if it got to her early, and without a card from ME, she would probably find a way to forget that it was from me!! No way- I would pay for shipping twice- I was on a crusade!!

As I hit submit on the final part of the online order for Mom’s Mother’s Day gift, I yelled, (maybe a bit manically, if we’re being completely honest here) “AH- HA! You see that?! I’VE ordered your Mother’s Day gift! Early! And something you want! Something you need!! All from ME!! From me, me ME and NOT FROM MANDY! Ha-HA!”

Then, I called my sister, “Hey, so Mother’s Day is coming up… you know how we always get a gift for Mom together?”

“Yeah?”

“And every year she runs around telling everyone, ‘This gift is from Mandy’ and she never remembers that it’s from me too?”

“Yeah, but I mean, I TELL her it’s from you too…it’s not like I’m trying to be malicious or take credit…”

“Well, I know that. But, I’m sorry- I had to cut you out. I went off on my own and I got her my own gift this year. Enough! Enough of me being the bad daughter! And I had to sit on the phone with Mom while she rifled through her catalog.  I mean. Did you even know that people still shop on catalogs? Like, it’s an actual thing?”

“I’m pretty sure one person shops on catalogs: Mom. That’s it. Our mom is the last person who shops through catalogs…and calls in her orders from a landline. Anyway, I’m sorry you had to deal with that and I’m sorry she always forgets about you. But I’m glad you got it covered this year! That’s great!”

I have to tell you, I was pretty smug about the whole thing. Pretty darn smug. Finally it was my turn to shine.

Except then I noticed that my credit card hadn’t been charged. Hmm that was weird. Maybe I didn’t complete the order? I went back and check and I definitely had received a confirmation email that the order went through.  I clicked the confirmation email.

“Thank you for your order. STATUS: BACK ORDERED”

You have got to be kidding! No ETA. No more details- just a great big middle finger from the catalog company. So my gift wouldn’t be here in time for Mother’s Day. Looks like another year of being dubbed the deadbeat daughter!!

I know Mother’s Day isn’t about the gifts, but it’s nice to be able to recognize and show appreciation to Mom and give her something special if we are able. How about you: Do you struggle like I do to come up with a good gift idea? What is the best (or worst!) gift you’ve given or received for Mother’s Day?

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The Lie that Wouldn’t Die

Have you ever been caught in a lie? Of course you have, that’s a dumb question. We’ve all been caught in a lie.  More specifically, have you ever been caught in a lie that you told your kid?

 Here you are, trying to teach your kids to be good and honest people. Then, the little half- pint asks you some complicated and annoying-to-answer question and before you can stop it, a mini- lie slips out all wrapped up in pretty paper with a bow. That is, until the little crumb-grabber tries to debunk it.  So, rather than let your kid find out what a horrible and hypocritical human you are, you keep the lie alive.  Before you know it, you have woven a web of lies and you can’t get out!

For example, the other day my friend Abby emailed me this:

    I made up some dumb fact and Bella called me out on it so I lied that I had looked it up online.  She had the nerve to ask me which site.  I told her Wikipedia and she was horrified. “Mom! Wikipedia isn’t even a reliable source! Anyone can just write whatever they want on there!” Okay, how the hell does an 8 year old know this shit? I couldn’t believe it! She told me they are learning how to find “reliable sources” for their research projects at school….

By the way, what’s up with an 8 year old knowing about “reliable sources” for research? I almost just went into a big spiel about who when I was a kid, we had to use the card catalog and understand the Dewey Decimal System.  We didn’t have any of this internet nonsense to reference! We had it tough- we had to walk to school uphill both ways and we couldn’t just put our earbuds in and stream music… we had to BURN OUR OWN MIX CD’S!! But that would make me look old and dated so let’s stick to the topic at hand: lying. Or rather, bad lies that our too-smart kids can poke holes in, thus making our lives harder.

Here’s a good one for you. A few months ago, my sister planned a trip to come visit me for a few days.  Of course, when my four-year old niece caught wind of this, she pitched a fit. “Mommy, why can’t I come with you to California? I want to come visit Auntie, too!!” she pled.

“Well sweetheart, I would take you with me, but I can’t. You can’t fly on an airplane until you’re five. It’s a rule. So, I’ll take you to California for your birthday in September!”  I want you to pause for a moment. Maybe go back and read that last line again. These simple words strung together, this little harmless lie…this my friends, is what I like to call The Lie That Wouldn’t Die.

Liar toddlers parenting motherhood

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, long after my sister Mandy had forgotten about the little fib she had told back then with all that “fly when you’re five” business. My parents and extended family started unexpectedly planning a summer trip to Southern California. My sister was happy to bump the trip up, as she’d have help from my parents this way. As we were discussing the trip, Kailee’s eyes got wide. “But MOM! I can’t go to California in the summer! I won’t be five yet!” she unknowingly threw my sister’s lie back in her face.  See, the thing about kids is….they NEVER. FORGET.

So the other day, I’m talking to my niece on the phone and I said, “Hey, K! How was your day?”

“Not. Good.” She replied in her grumpiest, poutiest, “It’s SO hard to be a toddler” voice.

“Not good?! Well what happened?” I asked.

“Emerson was telling me lies today.” She told me. Emerson is a little girl she goes to daycare with.

“She’s telling you lies?” I laughed. “What kind of lies is she telling you?”

Kailee took a deep breath and began, “She told me she was going on an airplane to Disney World with her family! And I know that she’s NOT going on an airplane because she’s only THREE and you have to be FIVE before you can fly!!” She was nearly shouting now. “And I got, really, really mad at her because I don’t like people who lie!!”

“Well then you must really not like your mommy because she is the biggest fattest liar of them all,” I managed NOT to say.

“Why do you think she would lie to you?” I asked, continuing my line of lie questioning because I thought it was funny to make my sister, who was next to her, feel as guilty as possible about the lie.

“I don’t know, Auntie. Maybe to make me jealous?” She suggested.

And so the day that my little four year old niece got into a nursery school knife fight because of “The Lie that Wouldn’t Die,” was the day that my sister vowed never to lie to her kid again. **

The End

**Except this one last time when she told Kailee the pilot changed the rules and she can come to California this summer before her birthday. But she swears, it’s the last one!!

What about you? Have you ever told a lie that wouldn’t die?

 

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Sleeping My Way Up The Company Ladder

***This post is the second part of a 2 part story. So, do yourself a favor and if you haven’t already, click here to read the first part to catch up and then come back. Hurry!  

Okay, so where were we? Oh yes, I had just dramatically crawled out of a dirty canyon and desperately needed to be hooked up to life support.  However, nobody would take me to the hospital and I couldn’t drive because my legs were so tired they could not move from the gas to the brake pedals so instead I just went to the office. OH!!! I didn’t tell you, did I???? The boot camp is sponsored by the company I work for. So yeah, all this happened with and in front of MY CO-WORKERS!!!!!!! 

Calm down, calm down- that’s not the embarrassing part either.

Remember when I said I couldn’t sleep the night before because I was SO nervous about oversleeping? So I kept jerking awake all night? Well, that combined with the actual death-defying physical exertion back at the canyon left me deliriously exhausted.  All day at work, my head bobbed and I struggled to stay awake. 

A friend had invited me to a food and wine pairing that evening.  As the end of the work day approached, I knew- I just knew I wouldn’t be able to stay awake for the event without some kind of rest.  Did I have time to race home before the function and take a quick nap? I glanced at the clock: 5:02pm.  Rush hour.  By the time I sat in traffic, and got to my house, there would be no time for a nap. Rats. 

I could put my head on my desk for a few minutes, maybe nobody would notice? But what if they DID notice? That would be awkward….

I called my partner in crime, frantic, “Amy!! I’m sosososososos tired. Like more tired than I’ve ever been. I’m supposed to go to this wine pairing tonight. I just can’t do it. I can’t go without a rest. How awful would it be if I took a nap out in my car? Just a quick catnap? Or even under my desk?”

“Yeah, do it!” she encouraged. “Everybody’s leaving, just turn the lights off…nobody will know.”

I was positive that Amy’s response was going to be that I was nuts and something along the lines of a “Who DOES that?” speech. But when she gave me her blessing, I thought no further. I glanced toward my gym bag. It was now filled with my workout clothes and the 2 towels from my shower earlier. Perfect! I fluffed the bag up like a pillow, set my alarm for a half hour and shut the lights off.  Then, I crawled under my desk for a little afternoon snooze. 

Little did I know that while I was stowed away under my desk dreaming, this happened:

“Hey, Amy….we’re looking for the birthday decorations, do you know what happened to them? It’s Cory’s birthday and we want to decorate her desk!”

“Oh yeah- Try Tracy’s office, she always has stuff like that hanging around.”

Um. TIME OUT. (Everyone freezes like when Zack used to do that in Saved By the Bell. Tell me you know what I’m talking about??) 

During the time out, while everyone is motionless, I walk over to Amy and bitch slap her, reminding her that she can’t send the sweet new girl into my office because I’m SLEEPING.  And Amy’s like, “Oh yeah duh.”  And then the sweet new girl goes back to her desk and is none the wiser.

‘Cept that didn’t happen-  you wanna know why? No, not because Zack Morris “Time Out’s” don’t exist- because I WAS ASLEEP UNDER MY DESK and I couldn’t call a  time out!!!

So—TIME IN:

New girl came into my office and was (rightfully!) taken aback by the image of a member of management curled under her desk in slumber.

She crept back to Amy’s office. “Uhh…Amy, she’s umm.. She’s sleeping.” She whispered.

“HAHAHA Oh my God–  I forgot!!!” Amy laughed.

Then, like the traitor she is, instead of keeping it under wraps, Amy slowly let the sleeping cat out of the bag and nudged some of my other coworkers (some meaning anyone who hadn’t left for the day) to come take a peek at Sleeping Beauty.

Of course, this was all unbeknownst to me… because my alarm hadn’t gone off yet.

At some point, I must have sensed someone present because my eyes popped open wide to the sight of my co-worker Ryan standing at my desk stifling laughter.

This jig was up.

And that is the day that all my co-workers caught me sleeping under my desk a la George Costanza.

For the next several days, anyone walking by my office would stick their head in and casually ask, “Hey, I’m kinda tired you have any room under there?” “Hey, Tracy – is it naptime?” “Hi, George…”

Employee of the year right here.  That’s what I’m sayin’.  I don’t think this is what anyone meant by “Sleeping your way up the company ladder”…but if it was, I’d be at the top!

Costanza

sleeping under desk like George Costanza Tracyontherocks funny blog

Photo Courtesy of Amy “And Amy….et tu, Brute???”

 

If you liked this post, you’ll love the book I’m in! Grab a copy of “I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone,” the follow up to the NYT Best-Seller!

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The Trail of Tears (Mostly Mine) : A Tale Of Boot Camp By Someone Who Shouldn’t Be Going to Boot Camps

 

The story I’m about to tell you is pretty embarrassing. For me, not you, of course.  Considering some of the pickles I’ve gotten myself in, it’s not that bad but for the average Joe, it’s moderately humiliating. So you wanna hear it, huh? Okay…(deep breath) here goes:

 Once upon a time (last Thursday) I decided to get my butt in gear, and kick up my workouts so I crawled out of bed at some crazy early hour and giddy up’ed.  Something you should know about me is, if there is one thing I hate doing more than working out, it’s getting up early. That probably makes me sound like a total sloth but I have just always been more of a night owl. It’s not like I’m always staying up watching TV and stuffing my face with Cheetohs – okay, sometimes Cheetohs are involved- but that’s not the point. The point is, I’m very productive into the wee hours, whether it’s writing or reading or doing laundry: I just function better at night!

So, the night before boot camp, I laid out all my workout clothes, packed a gym bag with my work clothes and shower gear and set my alarm for 6am.  Now, 6am might not sound that early to you but that’s usually when I’m deep in my REM sleep! I was so terrified of oversleeping or not hearing my alarm, that I woke up about eleventy million times in a panic, pressing the clock up to my un-glassesed eyes, “Is it boot camp time yet?” I gasped. “Oh no, just 2:47am.”  That happened about 4 more times throughout the night and needless to say when the alarm finally did go off, I felt about as rested as…someone who hasn’t slept.  (I couldn’t think of a good comparison there.  I tried. But then, I gave up.)

So, off I went to boot camp, half-asleep holding my eyelids up with toothpicks (probably ones that had pierced the olives to my martini the night before but I’m too tired to remember the exact origin).

When I arrived, a “field trip” was announced.  Off we zipped to the canyon for a workout. “What’s with the canyon workout?” I asked innocently.

“Oh it’s really hard, don’t base your impression of boot camp on this,” one participant said.

“You mean the trail of tears?” Another answered.

Um. Pardon? What in the H-E double hockey stick had I signed up for??

I’ll tell you what: Pain, torture, purgatory.

Down the hill into the canyon we ran, over rocks threatening to break and twist our ankles. No sooner had we run down the hill, we were running back up it.  I started to lose steam pretty early on.  “You gotta start somewhere,” I told myself as I huffed and puffed. 

The instructor had us running all over God’s green earth down in that canyon and by green earth, I mean brown dirt.  Dirt that was smeared all over us.  If there’s one thing I hate almost as much as waking up early and working out, it’s getting dirty.

“Okay, guys duck your head and watch out for that poison oak!” the instructor yelled. 

POISON WHAT? I hadn’t signed up for this! I was too prissy for this!!

“Now, we’re coming over here- everybody pick up a rock. We are going to use these as weights. Make sure there aren’t any snakes under there!!” The instructor cautioned.  

Snakes? Now if there’s one thing I hate more than mornings, working out and being dirty- well, you get the picture. It just kept going from bad to worse!

Finally, when I had nothing left to give, the class was over. All we had to do was get out of the canyon. Instead of going out the way we came in, he had us climb up the side of the mountainous terrain.  The hill was so steep, I was clawing at the dirt (and probably also poison oak and stepping on snakes but at that point I was too tired to care) to get out.

My friend Ryan held back with me once everyone else was out of sight. “Ryan, I can’t. I can’t do it anymore. My brain is telling my leg to move and it won’t do it. Please, please call an ambulance. An air lift, helicopter, parachute, I need help. I can’t do this.” I pleaded.

“You can. You will. You have to. There’s no other way out!” He encouraged. Thank God for him, coaxing me up that hill. Stopping to rest. Telling me that at his first boot camp, he was as beat up and bad off.  (Doubt it). “You can do it! A few more steps!” he would call back and I lifted my limp leg with my hand and then dropped it, shuffling up one more step.

Finally, I was met with sweet victory- a miracle had occurred! Not just that I made it to the top, but that I didn’t die in the process. Not dying meaning aside from the fact that my body didn’t crap out on me, I also didn’t fling myself to the bottom of the canyon onto the rocks and to my early death as I had contemplated multiple times.

I was probably 20 minutes behind everyone else making it out of that damn trail of tears but I did it!

I bet you thought that was the embarrassing part: the part where I emerged like a limp, sweaty noodle from the canyon way behind everyone. Not even close.  

But, this post is getting really long, so….TO BE CONTINUED. (Part 2 will be up later this week)

**UPDATED: Click HERE for the second part of this story

 

If you liked this post, you’ll love the book I’m in! Grab a copy of “I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone,” the follow up to the NYT Best-Seller!

I STill Just Want to Pee Alone best selling book People I want to punch in the throat

 

 

Toddler Question Sessions

My niece is 4 and like most toddlers, she’s at the age where she asks a gazillion questions.  I always try to be honest no matter what’s she’s curious about at that moment.

“Auntie, why do you have that thing on your toothbrush?”

“It’s a cover so when I travel, it doesn’t get yucky.”

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 “Auntie, why are your earring holes so big and stretched out?”

“Because when Auntie was younger she wore heavy earrings and they stretched out her ears. When you get older, be careful not to wear heavy earrings, okay?”

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 “Auntie, why do you wear makeup?”

“Well, sweetheart, girls don’t HAVE to wear makeup.  Makeup isn’t what make girls pretty. Sometimes a little blush is nice though. Here let me put a little dab on you, just for fun.”

 So during my recent trip to visit her, it was no surprise when Kailee started in with one of her question- sessions while she was “helping me” get ready in the bathroom.

“Auntie, why are your boobs so big? Will I have big boobs some day?”

“Auntie, what was I like when I was a baby?”

Climbing up on her stool to come be next to me at the mirror, “Auntie, when you were little like me, did you- “

She slipped and fell right on her arse mid-sentence.

“Kailee!” I laughed, “Good thing you have a big bum like Auntie does, to break your fall!”

“Auntie, what if I didn’t have a bum and I only had a ‘gina?”

“Well, sweetheart. Um.” It would be fucking weird is what it would be, I thought.

Kailee looked at me expectantly.  “Umm. See the thing is.  I really don’t know.” Then, she just laughed hysterically and ran out of the bathroom.

That was the first time I wasn’t able to answer one of her questions, but probably not the last. And hopefully the weirdest.

Do you have kids or little ones in your life? What’s the weirdest/funniest/hardest thing to answer they’ve asked you during a question-session?

 

If you liked this post, you’ll love the book I’m in! Grab a copy of “I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone,” the follow up to the NYT Best-Seller!

I STill Just Want to Pee Alone best selling book People I want to punch in the throat

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