We’ve all had a ridiculous argument with a significant other that when we look back was absolutely hilarious in the aftermath. I am not generally a “fighter” but my favorite outrageous dispute was with an ex, when he thought I was trying to kill him. For the sake of this story, let’s call him “Paranoid Pete.” (I don’t really care that much about protecting him and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t read my blog but just in case…I don’t know the slander laws that well.)
A bunch of us were going out bar hopping one weekend. Paranoid Pete in tow, we all met at my friend Dave’s house. (That’s Dave’s real name, by the way…he doesn’t have a nickname. We never dated, plus he doesn’t care if I slander him in any of my stories- I asked). We were all socializing at the house first and then we left to go out. Now let me tell you: my friends and I are a rambunctious crowd- we’re loud, we’re fun, and boy- oh- boy can we DRINK. Being the wholesome fella Pete was, he tried to keep up….with the loudness, with the fun, and with the drinking. And he failed- miserably. Especially with the drinking. Somewhere between the house and the second bar, PP started to lose his shit. He was taking off his shoes and falling all over the place and just becoming an all-around horrid train wreck and embarrassment. Annoyed that I had to leave to tend to this lightweight, I told my friends that I was taking him back to Dave’s house to pull it together.
On the walk back home, Pete’s antics were escalating. He was climbing trees and yelling belligerently. Finally, after contemplating just leaving him on the street, I got him back to Dave’s. He said he didn’t feel well so he went into the bathroom and stuck his head in the toilet. Then he started mumbling gibberish. At one point, I swear I heard him say, “You’re trying to kill me.”
I was beyond irritated but I was trying to be a nice girlfriend. Calling to him from the kitchen as I was getting him a glass of water, I reassured him, “I’m not trying to kill you. Just let it out if you need to. It’s okay. I’m getting you some water…”
Then, like a bolt of lightening, he ran out of the house, yelling, “I’m not going to let you poison me!!!!”
Gah! This guy! Not only did he make me leave early, but now I had to go find this idiot. You had GOT to be kidding me. I walked around to the front of the house and he was nowhere to be found. I searched up and down the streets. I called his phone a minimum of 100 times. After an hour of unfruitful searching, I called in an Amber Alert to my cousin Katie and our friend Dave. “I’m so sorry you guys but Pete’s ran off and he thinks I’m trying to kill him and I don’t know what to do. Don’t rush back but I could really use your help because this fool might sorta be missing…”
Everyone came back and was asking what happened. “Dude, I have no idea! One minute he’s in the bathroom and then he’s yelling that I’m trying to kill him! He’s absolutely lost it!!”
We split up into search parties. After another hour of looking, we all came up dry. As panic really started to set in, and I was about ready to call the local hospitals, (Sure, he was annoying but I wasn’t completely heartless!) I got a call from him. I answered it immediately. The voice on the other end was not his.
“Hello, this is Officer Smith. I’ve got an extremely disoriented gentleman here. I took his phone and saw that the person who had last called him 100 times was probably responsible for him. He’s on the corner of Oak and 3rd. Please come collect him so I don’t have to bring him in.”
Lovely. I brought backup with me in case he still thought I was trying to kill him. That was a good move because indeed he did maintain his belief that I was a killer. At one point, he climbed another tree to get away from me and promptly fell out of it. I’m not going to lie to you, I laughed a little at that. Okay, maybe I laughed a lot.
Finally, we stuffed him into the car as I was desperate to get him home and just end the nightmare. The entire car ride I had to drive with one hand on the steering wheel and the other one holding him into the passenger seat because he continued to insist I was trying to kill him and kept trying to open the door and jump out onto the freeway. I was so annoyed with him that the thought of him becoming roadkill didn’t sound so terrible, but then I figured I might get stuck filling out paperwork all night and that didn’t sound all that fun either.
I somehow got Paranoid Pete home in one piece. My roommate Molly and her boyfriend were sleeping but were awoken by Pete’s’ disorderly conduct. As I was trying to help him get ready for bed, I handed him his toothbrush (even a crisis is no excuse to neglect your oral hygiene!). He was spitting out the toothpaste shrieking, “You’re putting razors in my toothpaste! You’re trying to kill me! There are razors in here!!”
Sleepy-eyed, Molly stood in her bedroom doorway to find out what the commotion was all about. “What the HELL is going on out here?!” she asked, confused.
“SHE’S TRYING TO KILL ME!!” He screamed, his eyes wild.
“Yes, that’s right. I’m trying to kill him. With razors. In his toothpaste. Can’t you see?” I rolled my eyes.
At some point, I got my disaster of a boyfriend to go to sleep. When he woke up in the morning, his eyes were no longer wild, but wide and apologetic. “Tracy. I am so sorry. I don’t know what happened to me last night.”
“What part are you sorry for? The part where you ran away, climbed a tree and fell out of it, or the part where you thought I was trying to murder you?”
“All of it. That wasn’t me. I didn’t have that much to drink! I think someone drugged me!”
“Someone drugged you?” I stared back at him in disbelief and disgust. “I mean. People don’t usually go around drugging GUYS. What would be the point of that, so they could follow you around with a camera and capture the looney tunes on film? You were NOT drugged! You just can’t handle your booze!!” I snarled, all my patience left behind at last night’s rodeo, corralling him home.
I think he sensed the unwelcome look in my eyes so he promptly left. He later let me know that he had a broken arm from the tree fall that required a cast and that he had asked them to do a drug test on him while at the hospital, still convinced someone had roofied him. Whaddayaknow, he must have sweat out all that GHB because the tox screen came back clean.
I have to say, that was one argument that probably will never be topped. Although I didn’t start off wanting to kill him, I sure did by the end of the night.
Have you ever felt like offing your significant other? Ever have a fight that was so funny, the story lasted longer than the relationship? If you want to read more about funny couples clashing, I’ve got great news. A whole bunch of hilarious writers have teamed up to write a book of funny stories, called “Clash of the Couples.”
Coupledom. Fact or fable, Adam and Eve birthed the perpetual relationship drama as seen on TV today. Despite the serpents, this couple HAD IT MADE. Luxury real estate, lush gardens, and privacy out the yin-yang. Life was glorious until the bare-bottomed babe could no longer resist temptation. Despite her better half’s warnings and threats to sleep in a tree, she tasted the forbidden fruit. One bite of that seductive, juicy contraband and the stage was set for eternity— a nibble that has blossomed into an endless supply of tiny tidbits that divide lovers to this day!
Taking a cue from the naked explorers of authentic sin, Clash of the Couples is a new anthology featuring a collection of completely absurd lovers’ squabbles and relationship spats. Think couples fight over kids, sex, and money? Think again! Furniture, the last beer, and where to store the placenta are what genuinely ignite our feuds. And no argument is off limits. This book has it all!
Inside you’ll find a gut-busting compilation of stories such as: “I Can’t Believe You Ate My Sandwich,” “Never Assume Anything,” “Only I Can Talk About Me,” and “You Want Some College Boobs?” from forty-three fearless writers. Prepare to laugh, roll your eyes, and shiver in suspense. While Eve may have had the first bite, we ate the whole tree. And made pies.
Published by Blue Lobster Book Co., Clash of the Couples launches loudly and obnoxiously on November 3, 2014. You’ll hear us coming, but look for it on Amazon, B&N, Apple, and other places where you typically buy books. For instant updates, follow along on Facebook!
The lineup includes:
Andrew S. Delfino of Almost Coherent Parent
Crystal Ponti of MommiFried
Camille DeFer Thompson of Camille DeFer Thompson
Kimberly Morand of Anchor Magazine: Navigating Depression, Bipolar, and Anxiety
Meredith Napolitano of From Meredith to Mommy
Chris Dean of pixie.c.d.
Linda Roy of elleroy was here
Kevin Zelenka of Double Trouble Daddy
Sarah Cottrell of Housewife Plus
R.C. Liley of Going Dad
Mary Widdicks of Outmanned
Marie Bollman of Make Your Own Damn Dinner
Ginny Marie of Lemon Drop Pie
Mike Reynolds of Puzzling Posts
Leigh-Mary Hoffmann of Happily Ever Laughter Blog
Lisa Petty of Lisa R. Petty
Lynn Shattuck of The Light Will Find You
Jeff Bogle of Out With The Kids
Stacey Gustafson of Are You Kidding Me?
Angela Godbout of FRaPS
Courtney Conover of The Brown Girl with Long Hair
Jenny Hills of Express Bus Mama
Marcia Kester Doyle of Menopausal Mother
Julia Arnold of Frantic Mama
Jessica Azar of Herd Management
Susan A. Black of I Like That
Dave Lesser of Amateur Idiot Professional Dad
Sarah del Rio of est. 1975
Nicole R. Wildhood of Naught Be All Else
Angela Keck of Writer Mom’s Blog
Alexa Bigwarfe of No Holding Back
Brian Sorrell of Dadding Full Time
Kathryn Leehane of Foxy Wine Pocket
April Grant of 100lb Countdown
Bev Feldman of Linkouture
Jodi Flaherty of The Noise of Boys
Scott Rigdon of Three Five Zero
Lydia Richmond of Cluttered Genius
Allie Burdick of VITA – Train for Life
Michelle Grewe of Crumpets and Bollocks
Barb Godshalk of Co-Author of Tall Tales and Short Stories from South Jersey
Jonathon Floyd of One Funny Daddy
Amanda Mushro of Questionable Choices in Parenting
Chris Carter of The Mom Cafe